11 years ago was another beautiful Spring day...
We are all just walking each other hOMe…
11 years ago was another beautiful warm Spring day as I sat present, in our home, dancing with death. I knew my Beloved husband Joe was close to last breath… So for hours, I silently followed him… Followed his breath… The ultimate breath meditation. Until at 2:30am when he inspired then expired.. The… Last… Breath…
The concept about grief and loss I most despise is the idea of ‘closure’. What the hell does that mean?! My Heart… My (our) Love… Is not a door. Loss can be integrated… Never closed.
‘Distressed Haiku’ by Daniel Hall says it perfectly:
While I am deeply at peace with his death… I will always quickly be able to find the place of yearning, to be by his side once again.
I have a magnificent life full of lovely people. In 11 years I have created the life of my dreams. Yet, it it is not ‘our’ life.
When he was diagnosed with cancer we were literally 3 days away from closing on 40 pristine acres in the center of the triangle created by Mt Rainier, Mt Adams and Mt St Helens. It had old growth forest, open areas with great soil an old barn that felt like a cathedral. Mineral water and excellent drinking water, waterfalls and ponds. It was going to be the home and work of our lifetime as a small holistic B&B/retreat center. It was our shared vision. Gone. When you lose a life partner, you lose that person and the life you visioned together. It is two losses.
So as I do every year, I take pause. Driving home from Olympia Saturday night, out my window was the half waxing moon of April. The moon he died with. Part of integrating loss is integrating the person who has died into your own being. It is a way they live on. Joe remains in my Heart and driving with the moon, I saw the beauty with his eyes as well as my own.
Yet… I will always miss having that chest to snuggle on.
The path through integrating loss is a lifelong Journey. When the grief once again rises, I walk a simply prayer:
Remember... Honor what has been... Recognize the ripples of what was lost...
Love, Love, Love...
Be Present. Now.
Flow Gratitude and Be Alive... For them All...
I soon leave for a friends party in a beautiful home overlooking the river. It will be a delightful evening. Life does go on. That said, I know last-breath is out there for me in some moment...
I will never take for granted the magnificence of being With-Breath.
The sheer brilliance… Of Being Alive.