The 'stuff' of a Lifetime

For the last 2 years I have tended my mother’s life through her advancing Alzheimer’s. Since she transitioned while I was in India a month ago I have been going through and releasing the ‘things’ of her lifetime. My dad died 20 years ago (tomorrow) so this includes his things that my mom kept. And of course my life as it is woven with theirs. It is a powerful Journey of memory and discovery. Honoring. Witnessing. Integrating. 

As the executor of her estate I am now tending the details. Making decisions. Her estate will close about the time of the Spring Equinox. At that point I will be finished with the complex responsibilities of her life and be at a new choice point in my own. I embrace the quiet of Winter to ask the question: What is next? I will allow the soul questions I say before every meditation to be my guide: Who am I? What do I desire? How can I (best) be of service? 

 For the literal first time in my life, I have no direct responsibility for any other living thing. People or animals. My beautiful daughter Brianna is well into her own life and all the other beings closest to me have died in the last 7 years. Joe my Beloved husband. My furry family: Sophie the Malamute. Red the horse. Kalika the cat. Redboy the Malamute.  And just a month ago, my Mother Fran.

It is only me to tend the details and the ‘stuff’ of my mothers life. This is quite reflective of grief which is ultimately a solitary journey. The relationship continues. My mothers being, her voice, her place in my own life... Remains. She has influenced my very being for all the days of my life, that influence never dies. What dies is the potential for a change in that relationship. Yet.... And this knowing is at the core of healing: What never changes is my own dance... My own choice... In how I choose to relate my mothers being with-in my own. The mother daughter relationship is powerful. It will effect Who-I-Am always. Yet Fran’s days in this life time have been numbered. Last breath has arrived for her. Her dance is over. Yet our dance continues. Now I dance with a shadow. 

And back to tending the details of a lifetime. The stuff. The evidence that she was here, breathing, moving, laughing, loving, crying. Tending the details of her lifetime has been a powerful way for me to begin the shadow dance. To begin to understand, honor, witness, forgive (us both). To integrate what I choose to keep... And release that which no longer serves. And while this has little to do with actual ‘things’... The objects become the symbols, the reminders of a deeper commitment to myself. To my own Heart. To my own path through and beyond.

I dedicate the WInter to this journey... This dance. Spring will bring new growth, deeper release and a new direction. Blessings Way Mom...