For me, 2011 was a year of.... What? I am tempted to say 'roller coaster' because there have been some stunning highs and some crashing lows and yes, thrilling enough to want to get another ticket. But that is not quite the right metaphor.
I have been using the word ‘churning’ frequently. Churning, for me, is like swimming in the surf. There is a place in the surf I love to hang out in: Just a bit past the break. The break is where large amounts of saltwater curl over then fall into a crashing roll.
Farther out is easier... At times I love being out far past the break, swimming in the deep ocean roll. That is a place I like to float on my back... Turning from the Island to only take in ocean & sky.
My favorite place is just before the break. Where the wave breaks between me and the beach. It is a harder place to swim. Much more turbulent. A place where often I have to swim hard just to stay in the same place. It is the place where surf, tides, currents & rips all meet. Sometimes the energy pulls me to shore and sometimes it pulls me out. And sometimes it feels like it is pulling many directions at the same time.
Mama Pacific is not a wave pool, the conditions are in constant change. Places I have swam for 30 years are new each time I step in. There is a rhythm I know in my soul... But in a moment, a rogue wave or set of waves can provide a powerful dissonance. Swimming in this place I must Be Present, to Feel what is arriving from open ocean.
The break can occur sooner and I need to react quickly as not to get tossed in the churn. What is the response to a (usually larger) wave breaking sooner and crashing my way? Only one choice... Dive. Deep. And Surrender. Diving deep will allow the churning power to go over me and then I surface into the foaming, sparkling, oxygen filled salt. I can feel, smell & taste it right in this moment. And yes, this describes perfectly what this last year has been.
So what do I call this place where I love to swim/Be? I have a friend who uses the term ‘sweet spot’ to define the place of home/center/resonance. I know how the sweet spot feels. But this place is not it. I suppose it is obvious... It is the ‘salty spot’. A place that requires strength, instinct, flexibility, courage and the ability to respond. A place that can be a challenge, exhilarating and deeply rewarding at the same time. And there-be Dragons livin’ there. Rocks, coral, a wave that catches and tosses me. Shadows.
One aspect of the salty spot that is reflective of my year 2011 journey... I always swim in the salty spot alone. Swimming with friends when we can laugh, talk & explore is a delight. Swimming with a lover in the caress of saltwater is luscious. But swimming in the salty spot is solitary. It requires attention with the rhythm of ocean. And attention within myself. Not attention to another. 2011 has been a year of swimming in the salty spot. Even in the dry desert. Even in a busy life full of and flowing with people.
And this brings me to now, a few days into 2012. The synchronistic web of connection is spinning in my life. I have so many connections so many directions. My changeable, creative vata (the Ayurvedic dosha of air & space) my vata mind wants to run to every exciting thing I find in my web. Yet, I carry in my spider body a lifetime of Karma: Choice, experience, memory, desire... Choice, experience, memory, desire... Choice, experience, memory, desire... A pattern emerges. Repeat. I want my next choices to be: Clear. Direct. Sustainable. And completely embracing my Dharma (purpose in life/how I best serve). I choose to make Heart Centered choices. I release choices from patterns that no longer serve me. ‘Many things are over... And some me of beauty is about to begin.’
In this moment I am being churned by a huge, crashing wave. I did not dive deep enough. I am in the middle of the break. Being torn... Open. I am about to surface into the turbulence. And I know... Right behind it is another, even bigger, breaking wave. I-Must-Dive... DEEP. I Choose to Dive Deep.
I have over a month. Between now and February 10th I have only 4 days of work on my calendar. It is my yearly time of personal retreat. I KNOW what to do/be/allow. I am taking a tool on this journey. I am taking a ‘pen‘. I intend to write.
Agni Melee Purohitam. I surrender to the fire of transformation.
Some Me of Beauty
by Carolyn Rogers
I didn't realize that my hair was grey until
I took a good long look at myself in a full length mirror
And what I saw was not some soul sister poetess of the moment
But I saw just a woman
A woman feeling
A woman human
And what I felt was
What I felt was a spiritual revelation
And what I felt was a root revival of some love coming on
Coming on strong
And I knew then looking in a full length mirror
That many things were over
And some me of beauty was about to begin