Where am I going with this blog? It is called 'GreyWolff Dancing'. At times those dances are full of joy & love and at times I dance with shadows. Today has been a day of shadows.
My absolute intention with writing... Is to DIG DEEP. And when I dig deep... There be ugly, uncomfortable dragons there. I am seeking the fire of transformation inherent in those dragons.
This year has been... What? Churning. I get pushed... Pulled... Turned inside out. I fall, jump... Crash. And then in moments of Grace... Am caught and held tenderly. I feel a deep deep shift at the core of my soul. That has uncovered a well of... A sea of... Sadness. And an experience of alone... I have never quite experienced before.
The incredible gift from a practice of meditation and yoga is the ability to (at times) be in 'witnessing awareness'. In this place I am able to witness this dance without being consumed by it. I can get glimmers of where this journey through the underworld may be taking me. The slight promise of emerging... Clearer. Yet, I am human. I am unable to sustain it. Then I fall.
Today the fall into shadow was assisted by a someone who sent me a very long email full of the most ugly words perhaps ever hurled at my heart. The 'highlight' was something along the lines of: She can see 'the cesspool of my life'. Wow. Good eyes ;) But this is not about her. It is me reflecting on how I co-created a situation where someone would hate me so much. Or how I allowed myself to get into the flow of that much venom.
It was an interesting thing to sit with. To breathe with. To choose a response to. I could only make one choice. I responded to none of it. I sent her love. And I cut all ties. Simple, yet it left me feeling... Tired.
All Around me I see/know others dancing with shadows. I am not sure if shadow dancing is getting more prevalent... Or if those are the eyes I am looking with. Or both.
I am tired. I am sad. I am lonely. But next to me is Mr RedBoy Wolff. And he is warm and his eyes actually clearly see my soul. And he loves me. And he accepts my love. All of it.
We all say we want to be loved. And while that is true... I think in some ways what I truly most desire... Is to be allowed to give all the love I contain.... In all the ways I am able to give it. Have it recognized. Have it received. Have it cherished.
I am going to build a fire... The rain & wind are howling. RedBoy Wolff and I are going to tend fire... And dance with shadows.
In less than a month of writing this, beautiful RedBoy died in my arms. He died of a ruptured splenic tumor, which we discovered the day he died. He was a wonderful love-full companion.