It has been almost a year since he ran out of my life. I have been asked many times, ‘Did you ever see him again’?
I made a clear intent when I reached the place of forgiveness and moving ‘Beyond Forgiveness’ to silently flow him compassion and love. It is how I kept my Heart open. I also decided that even with my sometimes strong impulses to the contrary (which also contained much information) I would only ever make the choice to interact with him, with the same compassion and love.
Late Spring we shared a few polite yet hesitant emails. We considered seeing each other but never actually did. Then during the summer, The Divine Spiral of karmic connection said… ‘Now’.
I was walking in a park and in the distance saw him sitting on a bench reading a book. I almost turned and walked away… Yet did not.
I walked up to him and after a couple minutes of mutual ‘posturing’, we began to talk, Hearts hesitant yet, open a crack. A bit later, we made the choice to get together, sitting under a tree on Mount Tabor, talking and watching the sunset.
These two conversations were filled with Amazing Grace. With a gentleness that can only come with a clear intent… I spoke my Heart in response and not reaction. I spoke my pain, my experience. He heard me. He saw me. And perhaps even more remarkably… He allowed me to see him. He spoke his pain and shared his thoughts, some of which I never expected to hear. He let me see a bit of his wounded Heart. Validation, healing, and for me… A deeper integration. For him? I do not know. We have had very little contact since.
From a Tagua Nut (also called Ivory Nut), he carved a Heart-Open-Wide and along with three shells he made it into a necklace. It arrived to me in a paper box created by him with a hidden poem inside. Also written on a small piece of paper was: ‘Somebody out in The Universe wants you to know they love you’ and it was attached to the box by a metal spiral he also created. I cherished the gift… I was so deeply touched. I was so in love.
His friend finally found me (quite a feat) to give me the gift on the Saturday of Burning Man… The day The Man burns.
After he left me… I broke the ‘Heart-Open-Wide’ into 2 pieces. A symbol of my broken Heart. I of course knew where to release it, I would take it to The Temple at Burning Man and let it burn. I took the box, the broken necklace, the spiral and the note with me to Burning Man this year. I intended to burn it all.
Saturday night, the night of The Man burn, exactly a year after I had received it, I was ready to release it all in The Temple which this year was named ‘The Temple of Promise’ (Ahhh the spirals!) I was in The Temple at about midnight ready to let it all go…. Yet, I could not quite do so. Our time together on Mount Tabor was just a few days before I left for Burning Man, something in his willingness to be vulnerable had me hold on to the box… An empty box contains potential. I decided to release only the broken heart necklace.
I did so as much for him as for me. The only printed photo I had of him (he gave it to me) was him as a little boy, he was standing at the helm of a sailboat. I first wrapped the necklace in the photo then added layers of beautiful paper on which I wrote prayers, blessings and visions of healing, for us both. At the very center of The Temple of Promise, were three large metal sculpture trees. Three trees to represent childhood, adulthood and old age. The childhood tree had a metal ‘tire’ swing attached to it. I took the necklace, wrapped in prayers, and placed it into the ‘tire’ on the childhood tree. I did so holding the vision of his wounded little boy and my wounded little girl… Hand in hand. Hearts-Open-Wide.
The Temple of Promise burned the next night…
The (my) Broken (Open) Heart Released.
Not too long ago… It was time to release it all. I walk everyday regardless of weather. Often at this time of year I walk in the darkness of early evening, which I actually love. It was a rainy stormy night when on my walk, I took the box, the spiral and a few other written words of love he had given me.
My intent remains the same. I flow compassion, love and prayers for healing his Way. The flow of compassion and love moves from my Heart outward and then returns… Flowing compassion and love back within myself. The Sacred Circle.
That night I added a complete, unbroken, small glass Heart to the box. the Heart a prayer for the wholeness and healing for both of our Hearts. It was green, the healing color of the Heart Chakra. I was on one of three bridges I walk on the Portland Waterfront. It is named ‘Tilicum Crossing’, The Bridge of The People. It glows green at night. I call it the Anahata (Heart Chakra) Bridge.
In the dark, rainy, windy night I stood on the Anahata Bridge, over the Willamette River. Holding the vision of release and integration and forgiveness and compassion and love. Knowing and believing in my own Heart that… ‘unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense’ (ee cummings). I crumpled it all up in my hand and threw it into the river... And walked away into the darkness... Surrounded by green light.
Life is complex, full of pain, full of joy. We love each other... We hurt each other... We repeat... In spite of our intent to the contrary. All of us 'perfectly imperfect human beings'.
We Spiral through places similar yet different. Constantly experiencing, discovering, exploring and integrating. Spirals can turn into a web of connection… A web of repeating patterns. My ‘Triple Spiral Shadow Dance’ was difficult and profound at the same time. I am just beginning to share the treasure I found wandering in the underworld of ‘The Interim Time’. The only way I found those treasures was to dance with my deepest fears.
I have more clearly integrated my deepest wounds and Shadows. My dharma (purpose in life) has always been to take what I personally learn, especially from where I struggle, to then turn and assist others on a similar path. I am just getting started…
One direction I will lean and continue to explore, is embracing the concept that our deepest fears, our most profound Shadows… Are also our greatest treasures. Our Shadows integrated become powerful allies. Today The Redwolff pads steadily at my side... Eyes open, nose keen and Heart Open Wide.
What of my Triple Spiral Shadow Dance partner… The walking breathing man? I have no idea if I will ever see him again. I will always silently flow compassion and love his way.
Oh, and by the way, A funny thing happened when I released ‘everything’ on the bridge that stormy night. A few days later I was walking the bridge in the daytime and something caught my eye… It was the Spiral, waiting for me. The Divine Universe is such a trickster!!!
And The Journey Continues…
Flowing Love, Compassion and Blessings for Peace...