Sitting in my favorite rock chair on the Island of Kauai. Mama Pacific has long been my greatest teacher. Sitting with a choice point in my life. Where next does these feet want to walk? What direction? Who do I invite to walk along with me?
We are infinite choice makers. We choose in every moment. Choices are so much a part of our existence, we hardly notice. Tom Robbins said in his classic 'Still Life With woodpecker' There are only two mantras in The Universe: Yum and Yuck. In an instant, every thought or experience, filters through Yum or Yuck. The choice: Miracle or Grievance? YumYuckYumYuckYumYuck....
And as we YumYuck our way through life we gather shadows. The shadows of the people, animals, places, jobs and things cast on the was we make the choices of our lives. The influences we lean toward (Yum) or away from (Yuck). And because more than one thing can be true at the same time... Often the shadows contain shades of both.
Yuck is a wise informant. Knowing what we lean away from is a valuable setting on the compass. And yet the shadows we lean away from can also become comfortable excuses. Comfortable places to hide.
For me making the choice of tending my mother through the last 2 years of her life as she declined from Alzheimer's was full of YumYuck. The Yumminess of knowing in my heart it was the right choice and thus experiencing moments of Amazing Healing Grace. And the difficult exhausting Yuck of being present with Alzheimer's. And yes, the convience of 'I can't go, do, finish, start, BE... Fill in the blank.
So I find myself for the first time in my adult life with not a single other being (human or animal) to be responsible for. And a lifetime of experience and wisdom to draw from. Friends and peers I love and am inspired by. And nothing to proclaim as my anchor.
So what a fascinating place to be. All my hesitations, my but's, my 'I can not'. Only rise from my own self doubt. My own 'I am not good enough'. My own Yuck. All of which was still true while I tended my mom... But I could give it another face. Another story.
How much of my life have I hesitated in the story of Yuck? And you?
So I invite Yum and Yuck out in the brilliant Kauai sun... I invite them to dance with me. I choose to lean ever more into a Yummy life. I invite Yuck to walk at my side , in the bright light. To always remind me when I begin to loose my way.
The ocean is calling... It is time for GreyWolff to dance...