LEONIE WOLFF - Blog: GreyWolff Walking

Finisterre on the Full Moon in May

Wed, 25 May 2016 19:17:35 GMT

Finisterre. Photo by Linda Carlson Villasenor. A beautiful woman I met on The Way...

My intent was to be at Finisterre on the full moon in May, which was last weekend.

Instead, since my knee surgery last Wednesday, I have been sitting, only able to walk to the bathroom with crutches.

Life is full of Amazing Grace...

I did make it to Finisterre after all...
With a little help from my friends...

The Camino de Santiago is many paths with different names, marked with arrows and shells and these days followed by people with gps maps on our phones.

The Way... Is a personal Journey within... For me, a profound Journey of Heart & Spirit that continues… It ultimately has nothing to do with walking in Spain.

And ‘The Way of The Camino’ is not a path or a walk or even a solitary personal Journey. The Way of The Camino is the people. The Camino is a trail, The Way is within. The Way of The Camino only exists because of our relationships, the people we share the Journey with, however profound or fleeting.

We are all in this together.

My day ‘walking in the mud’… The day I tore my meniscus, was on the full moon in April. It was the next day, even though I tried to rest my knee for three days, that I knew that walking The Camino was over for me.

My intent was to be at the Sea at Finisterre, on the full moon in May which was last weekend.

Instead since last Wednesday, my knee surgery day, I have been sitting, only able to walk to the bathroom with crutches.

Yet… Look at this video I received this morning.
Here ‘I’ was… With a Heart. At Finisterre. Diving into the Sea.
I did ‘walk’ The Way of The Camino… With a little help from my friends.

What a beautiful and profoundly touching gift to receive…
Flowing so very much Love and Gratitude to my mates Deb and Jeff!!!
Someday… Somewhere, I hope to share a path and a pint with you again.

I am Not at Finisterre!

Wed, 18 May 2016 17:18:04 GMT

Walking The Camino de Frances I had planned on 7 weeks to walk the 550 miles to Santiago de Compostela then on to the Sea at Finisterre.

This pilgrimage walk is also called
The Way.

As with life…
Often walking The Way
looks very different
than we anticipated.

The bones are good!

About now, in these few days before the full moon in May, is when I planned to arrive in Finisterre… I visioned stretching out on the cliffs there, with my feet towards the ocean. With a surrender to and a clear direction of: What is next on my path? My life? What is my service?

I am not at Finisterre…. Not even close. Later today… I will be stretched out in a very different kind of surrender when I have surgery on my left knee for a torn meniscus. Taking a nap and allowing others to have full control over the body, even to breathe for me, evokes a strange bit of confidence. Yet, I do have confidence in western medicine’s excellent ability to ‘fix’ broken parts of structure. Broken other ‘parts’, no so much, but I digress…

Tomorrow, I will begin my Journey of healing and rehabilitation in which I will apply all of the wisdom of Integrative Healing. While finding the meniscus tear, the MRI’s and X-rays showed that the overall health and function of my knee is excellent! Good news since someday, I will return to the place I stopped walking The Camino and continue on to The Sea.

When I planned walking The Camino, I set an intent for my inner Journey. It was to be a profound personal Journey and because it is what I do… I would transform the personal into the next expression of my professional work. To create a way to assist others.

And Now… (Of course). I recognize that on a much different path… Exactly that has occurred.

In the last many years I have explored and worked with grief and loss or what I call ‘Passionate Sadness’ and integrating the wounds of a lifetime or what I call ‘Shadow Dancing’. Yet even in just the last 6 months, for me personally, another ‘grief’ has emerged. The need to look at, understand and ultimately integrate the ‘unfinished business’ of life. The roads never taken or completed… The precious dreams lost. I call them ‘Ghost Bridges’. The abandoned bridges to a desired destination.

A couple days before my knee injury, I told myself (and stated on this blog) I was going to ‘go quiet’ to more deeply explore my own personal Ghost Bridges.

Then walking The Camino itself became a Ghost Bridge.

Walking The Camino the presence of Mary, The Divine Feminine, strongly emerged all around me. She is everywhere in Spain, wearing many different guises. My experiences, chance meetings and even dreams were full of information and Mary’s gentle and at times not so gentle voice. She finally said:

Stop moving. Stop running. Go. Home.
Your Ghost Bridges are not in Spain.

I have been back in Portland almost 3 weeks. Unable to walk far, unable to work. I can do a bit of digging in my garden.

I continue to ‘walk’ The Way. The Way is not marked by shells and yellow arrows. It is the Journey of Heart & Spirit. Almost every morning, as I wander from dream to waking… The dream time is of being on The Camino. Even now, I still wake slightly surprised to be in my own bed.

Using my disappointment and frustration of not being on The Camino as an entry point, I ask myself… What are these Ghost Bridges I can not walk? What unfinished business resides in my own haunted house?

I have been struggling with how it all connects… What is the weaving pattern that informs the structure and then invites the Journey to healing? How do I take ideas and create a tangible route to integration? What is the language? What is MY personal relationship to it all?

Sunday morning I woke from a dream of The Camino, sat to meditate then got back in bed to drift. In that drifting and writing and playing with words. Something began to click… The pattern… The connection emerged.

Mary (or was it Glinda the good Witch) said… ‘You had it all along.’ Here in the cocoon of your own bed. hOMe.

Passionate Sadness, Dancing with Shadows, Walking Ghost Bridges. The three pathways of integration. The beautiful rooms and gardens of the house, the home, the center… The Triple Spiral into a vibrant, whole, complete… Flowing…

Heart… Open Wide.

The last part of the book and how it connects… My expression… My service… Appeared.
I have a lot of writing to do this summer.
I have never written a book.
I feel quite intimidated and incompetent.

Hmmmm…
Perhaps a Shadow Dance
on a Ghost Bridge?!

Deep Gratitude to my muse(s)… Seen and unseen.

And all of my dear friends who listen as I talk in circles…
Searching.

Oh… And the Bald Eagle…

More to follow…
(I have to go take a little nap!)

Stop...

Fri, 06 May 2016 19:05:34 GMT

I have been back in Portland a week.
My knee is more painful, not less.
I can barely bend it.
I have an MRI this weekend to
get clear answers of what the injury is and then I can co-create
a plan to treat it.

GreyWolff Walking
Ghost Bridges...

My Neighborhood

I am very clear my ‘problem’ is a problem of privilege. I injured my knee taking two months ‘off’ to walk across a country. I returned to a beautiful home and city. I have the time, resources and access to western and integrative health care to be able to heal and mend.

I made the choice to walk The Camino de Frances with a general intent to review, integrate and re-set my life. I imagined being at Finisterre on the full moon in May with my creative vision leaning a direction.

A couple days before my knee finally screamed ‘stop’… I posted that I was ‘going quiet’ to more deeply explore my own personal ‘Ghost Bridges’. I was not going to post on my blog or Facebook or Instagram nor was I going to look at any of it.

Then, my actual walk… Walking The Camino... Became a Ghost Bridge.
Something I desired and imagined that did not occur.

Now, I sit here in Portland with one of the main sources of my emotional and physical wellbeing, walking and exercise in general… Taken away from me.

And…

I am ‘sitting’ in the middle of my life. Not walking paths in Spain. Ghost Bridges are about my life… Not walking in Spain. Dozing on the train the day I ‘gave up’ walking… Mary said ‘Stop’. (Again, I promise… The Mary stories will be shared).

I hear (you).
Here I am... With no place to hide... No ability to run.
I surrender ever more deeply… Still.

I spoke above of this being a ‘problem’ of privilege. What do I do with the gift of this privilege? My intent… The whispers of how I can serve… Is to be a leader of The Heart. To walk a path… Then turn and offer my hand. A bit of steady support…

I am no longer walking The Camino. Yet, I continue to walk My Way.
Instead of many miles… I walk only a few steps.

And now… Again, I choose to ‘go quiet’.
It is the dark of the moon…
I am taking this time of waxing to full…

To Be Still
To do a physical cleanse.
To listen deeply.

So Be It.

(I will not be in Finisterre... Yet, more from GreyWolff Walking... On the full moon in May)

GreyWolff Walking... Small Steps...

My Meditation Chair...
The Wisdom of Silence

The Girls...
Ever Present

My Daily Walk... Four blocks to the store. Slowly.
Grateful that, The Way of My Neighborhood, is this!

Yoga around
the pain of my knee...

Invites deep listening

My Reading
and Writing Chaise.

Right outside
of the window...
A reminder...

Stop...

Following Heart...

Thu, 28 Apr 2016 14:40:42 GMT

Walking in the Mystery (Mist/Trees)

I am actually writing this sitting
in the square in front of
The Cathedral of
Santiago de Compostela.

The place all paths of The Camino end.
The Way of St James.

Look… I made it!
Well… Me and the train.

When I took my pack weight down to a bare minimum in an attempt to ‘save’ my leg, I shipped the things to Ivar who offers storage service in Santiago and is the moderator of a great Camino forum. I need to fly back to Paris and will do so from here this evening. I picked up my box this morning.

(I am going to just sit here and cry through this. A group of about 10 pilgrims, speaking Italian, just arrived together, holding hands in a long line, began jumping up and down and just melted into a big cheering group hug.)

I considered not coming to The Cathedral. That little nagging of I didn’t arrive by foot, other than a short walk from my hotel. Yet, this is just a place and I wanted to check in with Mary. She showed up today before I got here (yes, the Mary stories will be written). So my decision is to sit here in the square and write. I do not want to go in (I will walk in when I finish walking The Camino) and I am taking no photos. I am here yet I am not here. I am choosing to Be the silent Witness for all the pilgrims arriving. Holding space like we Temple Guardians do at Burning Man.

This post is reflecting the third aspect of GreyWolff Walking, I have written about Shadow Dancing, Ghost Bridges and now: Passionate Sadness.

Passionate Sadness is the grief experienced from losing someone or something deeply precious to us. Sitting here, at The Camino ‘end’ point, listening to bagpipes and drummers, why Passionate Sadness? Not finishing The Camino is a Ghost Bridge. How it reflects and interacts with me personally is Shadow Dancing.

I reflect on Passionate Sadness because tomorrow is the 12 year anniversary of my husband Joe’s death. I fly to Portland tomorrow. Interestingly flying ‘against’ time will mean I spend more than 24 hours on April 28th.

I had a powerful flashback a couple weeks ago. A Camino Sista’ told me about a pilgrim walking who was a little less than a year from his wife’s death. She told him about me and that I have facilitated retreats for those living with the grief of losing a life partner. That evening I met him as we all ended up in the same Alburgue. His pain… His raw grief was palpable. I could feel his agony. An interesting thing, I could quickly tell he wanted nothing to do with me. I would have waited for him to say anything, I do not step into any engagement uninvited. Yet, he not only did not say anything about his grief, he would not speak or make eye contact with me at all. We, by chance, ended up sitting next to each other at dinner and he shifted his body to look away from me.

My friend was a little surprised but I got it. I imagine that he knew, that I ‘know’ where he is, what he is experiencing. The idea of ‘being seen’, I believe was terrifying to him. I know exactly that feeling and it brought me right back to the agony. Grief becomes part of cellular memory, it doesn't take much to feel its Shadow.

After 12 years I am far removed from that expression and depth of grief, of profound Passionate Sadness. Yet here is the ‘truth’ about death... Beautifully stated in ‘Death Haiku’.

You think that their dying
is the worst thing that can happen.
Then they stay dead.

~Donald Hall

Heart in the sky

12 years, he still is gone and I still miss him and the life we lived together.

So why did I call this post ‘Following Hearts’?

One thing that got me through the raw time of grief was making a conscious decision to ‘live for us both’. That my eyes would see for us both… That my feet would walk for us both.

Joe has been so very present with me walking The Camino. So many times I would stop, feel him and say ‘Joe, look at me now!'

And The Hearts… From the beginning, sometimes when I was tired or needed a boost… I would see Hearts. Everywhere. It was so frequent, I began to say ‘hi Joe’.

The day after I met the man who was grieving so deeply, I walked through a forest of mist and over a couple mountains. (Ok Pacific NorthWest people, I know not a ‘mountain’… A good sized climb up and then down. We are such mountain snobs!)

I saw more Hearts that day than any other. It was such a misty mystical day, there will be another post about it.

And perhaps more than any other day, Joe was with me.

A few times in the mist, I could imagine him walking up to me.

Then, in a way…
On The Way… He did.

The Day of Hearts

I left later than most that morning (my norm) and walked about the first 40 minutes or so with out seeing another pilgrim. Then out of the mist walked a young man, a huge smile on his face… Glowing with delight. I felt that instant connection I had with Joe from the first time I met him. He saw my knee brace, I saw his and we chatted about knees and his feet were a mess yet he said this was the first day since leaving St Jean, he felt he was ‘back’. His joy went to my Heart.

I recognized The Divine masculine in him that is the same as the part of Joe that never died. What a remarkable Blessing to my Heart this young man’s smile was!

As we parted he said in his Irish accent: ‘You need to wear some lucky Heather!’ He had his on and it was blooming all around us in the forest. I picked some and put in on my chest strap. He disappeared down the path.

(Now another small group of pilgrims, laying on their packs, in the square, looking up at The Cathedral are playing the Jeff Buckley version of ‘Hallelujah’. I think not ‘finishing’ The Camino is to get me to release a whole bunch of tears I tend to hang on to.)

Back to my story… The sweet Irish young man was not the first or last time I felt Joe smiling at me through the eyes of another on The Way. This is what the integration of Passionate Sadness can become… The profound recognition that Love Remains. All/Ways.

That day I continued to see Hearts, and for the first time, I started taking photos of them. Walking with Joe. Later in the day, when I was out of the mist and out of the forest, I took the Heather off and left it as an offering with one of The Hearts. Saying in essence: I see you. And saying a prayer for the man from the night before…

The Hearts have continued, including the ‘Heart Tree’.
I saw it the morning leaving my ‘last’ alburgue, heading to the train station.
The ‘End of The Beginning’.

The one on the bottom left, at the train station.

The one on the bottom right, I saw just this morning.

I see you Joe…
I see for you Joe.
I love You…
All/Ways.

Joe loved the wilds. There was nothing he loved more than strapping on a pack and wandering. He was strong and could move through the woods like he was part of them. Our beautiful Alaskan Malamute Sophie, his best hiking buddy.

When we were together, I like I do on The Camino, love to stop, take in a place or tree or vista… So they always tended to get ahead of me. Then at some place, they would turn and wait. I held Joe for his last breaths with Sophie also at his side, 7 years later at age 14, I held Sophie as she took her last breaths. I am sure when Joe died, she wanted to ‘follow’ him. I have the sense he said ‘stay’… For me. And for 7 years she did.

So now, they have gone ahead where it is not time for me to go… Yet, I know when my last breath arrives. They will be there. Waiting for me to catch up.

Joe and Sophie...

Down The Path...

The End of The Beginning...

Tue, 26 Apr 2016 21:14:18 GMT

As I mused over
what to name this post…
‘The end of the beginning’
came immediately to mind.

Limping into Castrojeriz on a rainy, grey day.

Three days of rest did help my knee. Then half a day of walking on flat surfaces, put it right back to the same as my worst day. Almost constant pain with any walking. Since I first injured it, the pain was mostly walking downhill and manageable. After slogging through a day of mud it became unmanageable (meaning changing my stride did not help) It is not about avoiding pain. In Spain there are plenty of options at the farmacia (Pharmacy). They even tend to have a perigrinos section for the steady stream that limp into the door. I am concerned about what the pain is telling me about my injury worsening.

I looked deeply into my Heart… Sat with the ‘me’ that has been walking The Way. I could attempt to continue, walk short days, take meds, ship my pack, take rest days. Take as long as I need to ‘finish’? Yes, I could try this.

Walking through blooming Heather

Interestingly something then became very very clear to me…
It has never been about ‘finishing’.

Yes, some of my ego
is wrapped up in doing so…
Yet, my intent with walking
The Camino…My Way…
Has always been about remembering
Who-I-Am.
Of inspiring my creativity and passion.
Of Being present, with each step.

There are beautiful mountains ahead…. I want to feel them below my feet, not taking buses to avoid them. I want to feel walking, tired yet excited, into Santiago de Compostela. Then beyond, I want to know the experience of the first glimpse of The Sea as I walk to Finisterre.

This was never about ‘doing’ The Camino de Frances… It is about Being in the moment.

It took facing my ego and my pride to get below the mask. Then the choice was simple. I want to walk My Way or not at all. And My Way remains: Walking with my pack… Following the path wherever it takes me. Stopping (or not) when and where I choose in the moment. Walking every step, not as an accomplishment… Walking every step to feel every step.

This beautiful simplicity of walking, day after day, which I fell in love with, is the magic of The Way.

I can no longer walk My Way
with a worsening injury.

I am writing this sitting
at the train station at Fromista.

I will soon begin the Journey
to my Portland hOMe.

I am ever Grateful that while leaving is hard… Being hOMe is wonderful.

Now… I say ‘leaving is hard’. This is a gross understatement. I cried half the night. This morning, as the other pilgrims in the Alburgue packed up and headed out into a perfect-for-walking day. Cold, blue sky…. No rain in sight for days. The tears came again. Then over breakfast, as I sent a message about my decision to one of my Camino Heart Sistas’… I cried again. I think the man who made my cafe’ con leche’ was a little concerned. Although, I imagine peregrinos crying over their cafe’ con leche’ is not an unusual sight.

To get to the train station, I had to walk about 1 km ‘backwards’ on The Camino. The first time doing so. Walking against the steady stream of peregrinos was also hard… Lots of questioning looks. Then two Australian women (I have so many Aussie Camino friends!) asked me where I was going. I told them the train station and why… She said ‘you made it this far… good on ya’!!! You know what was next, more tears and hugs all around. (And I had never seen them before). I am going to miss these people so very very much!

I thought about staying in Spain or somewhere else in Europe for a while. But it does not feel appealing. Anything would involve walking and I am far from being in ‘tourist’ mode. I also want the healing of my knee to begin.

So home to figure out exactly what my injury is. In Alburgues most often you sleep in bunk beds. Last night on the bunk above me was a surgeon from The Netherlands. He did an assessment of my knee. Like the physical therapist and physician before him (pilgrims helping pilgrims) he was reassuring regarding tendonitis/strain vs a tear. And what do you do for moderate to severe tendonitis? Why rest of course. Walking another 250 miles is not quite considered ‘rest’.

(A side note about the surgeon, I watched him use a pocket knife to deal with his multiple blisters on his feet. I didn't think I wanted him to use the Swiss Army Knife for any exploratory surgery on my knee!)

So I hope it is just tendonitis and it will heal with extended rest and this summer I can slowly begin to strengthen again. (Damn it pisses me off to think of losing the strength I now have!) Yep, I am sad and angry.

My Camino is not over. I have walked almost half. The other half will wait for me to return. The Camino has been patiently waiting for peregrinas for a very long time. I think I will begin at that arch over the road in Castrojeriz.

What about walking The Way?
The Way is inside of me… And it continues… Even when I get on that train.

Soon am going to walk The Way
tending my garden at my Portland hOMe.

As I said in a prior post… This summer is for writing. I also have so many stories and reflections to share about walking The Camino, my Way. More will follow…

GreyWolff Walking (albeit slower and without yellow arrows) The Way Continues….

Shadow Dancing and Ghost Bridges. (The shadow of my train today, crossing a bridge)

(About Shadow Dancing and Ghost Bridges)

Later... I have not yet written much about my experience with Mary on The Camino. It’s a weaving story that will take some time. Yet, I can share this… I was on the train for about 6 hours today… There is something about trains.

I didn’t sleep much last night and as I watched out the train window, getting a bit drowsy, I had another chat with Mary. In my despair at not being able to walk The Camino any more...
I asked... Why?!

She said:

Stop...
Moving
Stop...
Running

Be Still...
And Know

Go Home...
and write.

The Next Steps...

Mon, 25 Apr 2016 21:17:09 GMT

This day, The Camino left trails
and the last couple km's to Castrojeriz
were on a road.

When even walking flat, on a road
was incredibly painful for me,
it was at this point... At this gate...
I first thought:
This may be the end of my Camino.

I hobbled to a hotel and told myself:
Rest 3 days until Monday
then decide.

Today is Monday...

(A side note to anyone preparing to walk The Camino de Frances. I injured my knee walking the last km’s into Zubiri, from Roncesvalles. It is a very steep downhill on shale, rocks and granite. I have talked to countless other pilgrims who trace their knee, leg or shin splint issues to that day. Go. SLOW. Take small steps, not like I did, which was taking larger steps and rock hopping)

I have remarkable friends, and when yesterday I asked for help with my knee problem, they poured information, thoughts and love my Way. Several days back a physical therapist from London did a thorough assessment and gave me her thoughts. A couple mornings ago a physician from Australia (who is dealing with shin splints) and I had a chat.

Blended with all of this information, I put on my RN assessment hat and systematically took a physiological journey through my knee and its symptoms. I put myself through assessment tests of all the common knee and leg injuries.

Being tucked in with tea, candies and Vic's for my knee by the owner of the hotel.

There was actually plenty of good news. I had no ‘positive’ tests on any of the major, seek immediate medical attention, injuries. I also didn’t get ‘positive’ tests with any ligaments.

The most likely injury is to the Extensor Digitorum Longus muscle (knee to foot) and its tendons. It makes the most sense both in the way I injured it, where the pain is and how it presents.

Now… Let me say I am quite clear that I am ‘arm chair quarter backing’. My 30 years in the medical field has mostly involved birthin’ babies and I have NO signs or symptoms of pregnancy.

The physical question to myself is simple:
Will continuing create more harm or is this a manageable injury?

The ultimate answer to that question would only come after a trip through an MRI machine. The injury came on day three and until the slipping, twisting and pulling up of walking through the mud, It was manageable. The damage/injury is done. This I can not change but I do not want to make it worse for the long run. I plan on many more miles on these legs.

Can I manage to continue within the limitations it presents? And do I feel comfortable with those choices? Beyond the physical… These questions are at a deeper core.

I know and embrace my Journey of ‘GreyWolff Walking The Way’ is a profound choice to be present with my own Being. As I began sharing in the prior post, this includes ‘Ghost Bridges’ and ‘Shadows’.

Walking with Shadows asks the questions:

What/who wounded me?

How have those wounds help to create my inner dialogue, the software or operating system of Who-I-Am?

How do I perpetuate those wounds? Today.

Walking with Ghost Bridges asks:

What dreams, visions and paths in my life never occurred or were never finished?

How have these ghosts help to create my inner dialogue, the software or operating system of Who-I-Am?

How do these ghosts ‘haunt’ me? Today.

I am also aware that walking The Way becomes a metaphor for life. How I choose each step and my presence (or not) with each step is a raw reflection of the way I walk my life. We live in a holographic Universe. The smallest expression contains the Whole.

With all of the above held in my periphery, beyond the physical exploration, I did some reading as to the emotional or Spiritual issues surrounding the knee.

Let me first share my own personal leanings with this. I see and experience the Universe as information and energy. Always flowing. Nothing is separate or static and I understand the concepts of cause and effect. This said, I lean away from the ‘always’ and ‘never’ I sometimes read in looking at the emotional/spiritual messages in injury. I lean away from dogma wherever I find it.

Within a holistic view, my knee is physical, emotional, mental, Spiritual and part of the community that is called ‘my body’. A beautifully complex machine my knee is… And it carries the wisdom and information of Heart & Spirit. So…

My attention was drawn when I read a reference to the knee and the ego. The knee and pride. There were even some references to Bible verses and the concept of the transformative act of kneeling, bowing down. Hmmmmmmm….

I consider ‘ego’ the masks we wear. That part of us that is created within an image. Some say the ultimate Spiritual path is to transcend the ego. Perhaps, yet I find mine, my masks, quite handy at times. Walking in and sitting down in circle when I facilitate a group of people living with cancer over a 3 day retreat… Is done within my ‘mask’ of ‘facilitator’. I do it best when I allow Heart, Spirit and The Divine to move through that ego self ‘Leonie, group facilitator’. I am not at my best when I forget I am wearing/being a mask.

I began this Journey with an intent. Walk the entire Way, carry my own pack. I was strong, prepared, heathy. Again, a good ‘mask/ego’ to wear. As long as I respond rather than react to change.

And… What about that ‘pride’ thing?! I admit to looking at people who, from the beginning, were shipping their packs or not properly prepared… And feeling a bit more capable than they. Pride… Yes.

Leaving St Jean Pied de Port

And while ‘the ego’ is how we move through our lives, wearing the ‘masks’ of our choosing… The danger is when we forget those masks are not who we really are.

And… (For me. Today.)

If I get attached. Create a mask and not understand that it also is part of the Universe of information and energy, constantly flowing. Yes, there be dragons here.

What have I remembered about myself, walking My Way?
I have a strong ‘Go’ drive.
I do not easily seek help.
I have a high pain tolerance.
I do not like to be ‘weak’.

Each of these things have a root within the Shadows or Ghost Bridges of my life. Each have aspects that translate into valuable attributes that serve me well (through response)… And each have aspects that are self-destructive and do not serve me at all (through reaction).

Understanding my Shadows and Ghost Bridges is how I lean to the former rather than the latter. This knowing, invites the value of discernment.

This does help: Stop, rest, shoes off. Several times a day.

Today…
In reaction, none of them
are helping my knee or my ability
to continue walking My Way.

Today… I arrive at another Choice Point…

Again (and again and again) I surrender….

After reading, assessing, getting help (after I finally asked) from friends, talking with others and my own intuition…

While not ‘healed’ rest has greatly helped my knee. This seems to indicate strain over tear.
I feel reassured after exploring the physical symptoms.
I release attachment to anything, including that in a couple days from now I again may be unable to continue and be on a plane to home.
Between me and the next town (Fromista), is a long climb up and a steep climb down.
I am taking the bus to Fromista.
Fromista is the beginning of ‘The Meseta’, over 100km of flat walking all the Way to Leon.

I am also not wearing the brace anymore. I am sensing some of the muscles around my knee are actually getting weaker. I am hoping the flat of the Meseta will be a rehab of sorts.

Mind, body, Heart, Spirit… And inviting a clear responsive voice with ego.

GreyWolff Walking… My Way…

The Journey Continues…

Ghost Bridges on The Way...

Sat, 23 Apr 2016 10:22:59 GMT

The ‘being quiet’
did not last long…

Another turn...

In my prior post I referred to ‘walking Ghost Bridges’.

First, why am I walking The Camino de Santiago, The Way? Last year I reached a place of… I don’t know, it wasn't exactly depression, I know what that feels like… Despair is closer but that is also not quite right. (Although perhaps it is. In beautiful synchronicity, 'Despair' was todays Facebook post from the remarkable poet, David Whyte. See post below.)

I just felt ‘finished’. Like a steady state of ‘been there, done that’. Ho Hum. Disengaged.

Shadows along The Way

‘Dancing with Shadows’ early last year certainly helped. My experience of Shadow Dancing is this:

I followed a path to face the wounds of a lifetime. This is not easy or for the faint of Heart, yet is full of remarkable insight. The wounds tend to, at their core, coalesce into a common theme or experience. A ‘belief’ if you will, about our lives.

Ultimately, the path wanders through all the ‘done me wrong’ faces. And in my experience, all those faces are gone from my life, yet as I discovered, still effecting my life. Why? Because the face at the very center… Is my own. The ultimate goal of Shadow Dancing is to recognize how we perpetuate the wounds ‘done’ to us… By continuing the patterns within ourselves.

The next incredibly valuable component of Shadow Dancing once we recognize those patterns and voices, the next step is to make The Shadows, our allies. This is the treasure found in dancing into our own personal underworld.

Since my husband Joe’s death, I have explored the role of grief and loss in our lives. Also in my years as a faculty member at Harmony Hill Retreat Center, I facilitate groups of people living with cancer. The loss of ‘health’ another profound grieving process. I refer to grief and loss as ‘Passionate Sadness’. The death or loss of someone or something precious to us. Thus sadness tinged with the passion of yearning for the person or thing to return.

Hearts and Spirals on The Way

So now back to ‘Ghost Bridges’. If ‘Shadow Dancing’ is a journey through the wounds of a lifetime. The wounds ‘done to us’. And ‘Passionate Sadness’ reflects the unpredictable Journey of facing death, loss of all kinds and the difficult life occurrences that can happen at any moment… Then what is a ‘Ghost Bridge’?

Last summer I completed the ‘Integrative Nurse, Life Coaching’ certification program. I was required to offer 60 hours of Integrative Coaching (rooted in Integrative/Holistic Nurse Theory). All my ‘practice’ clients were women over 45 and because I was writing and speaking about ‘Shadow Dancing’, I also had many casual conversations with friends about the concept. I began to recognize some similar patterns.

Then last fall I knew, to a certain degree, my disengagement with my own life was still present. Remarkable opportunities and people were showing up in my life and I just couldn't quite step fully present with it all.

Tilikum Crossing Bridge, with the full moon. Portland, Oregon

All of last year, I was literally, almost daily, walking the bridges of my home, Portland, Oregon. Many bridges cross the downtown waterfront with walking paths on both sides. Walking across them, back and forth in circles and spirals became a powerful walking meditation for me. I was consciously walking with Shadows and walking with Passionate Sadness and it was during these walks I first felt and recognized...

There was something else with me, walking those bridges…
the ‘Ghost Bridges’ of…
What Was Not.

The unfinished paths.
The roads never taken.
The unrealized and abandoned dreams.
The visioned life, that never occurred.

A Ghost Bridge on The Way

So to continue my spiraling story…

Last fall I began to explore the Ghost Bridges of my own life and how those ghosts of 'what was not' effected my current life. I also decided that it was time to ‘step out’ of my day to day life for an extended amount of time. I wanted to take a personal Journey. To make a clear choice: With my Heart Open Wide, I would even more deeply reflect on the Shadows, the Passionate Sadness and the Ghost Bridges of my own lifetime.

I also hold the intent that part of my personal integration of all three, will be to take my experience and create a way to assist others. This experiencing and then turning to offer a hand to others, is what I have always done. This is how my Shadows have become allies. To translate these three paths of integration, into the next expression of my life work. My dharma. My service.

So last fall I decided to expand what was already a powerful practice for me… Walking…. Into 7 weeks and to walk The Camino de Frances. I am now 3 weeks into that walk.

A few days ago, I said I was going ‘silent’ to more deeply explore my own personal Ghost Bridges (which have been showing up all along The Way).

Be careful what you ask for…

On day three of walking The Camino, I injured my knee. It has been stable and some days much better. I have figured out how to walk with the injury.

Then, 2 day ago, I walked many miles slogging through sticky mud. The sliding and pulling up and twisting was not good for my already injured knee.

The next day, on mostly flat terrain, I only managed 6 miles, with increasing (and this is most concerning) different pain. My knee screamed ‘stop’. I walked in the rain that 6 miles, crying most of The Way.

I cried not from the pain… The tears were from frustration and sadness of how much my Heart, mind, Spirit and the rest of my body wants to continue on to Santiago de Compostela and beyond to Finisterre. And how my knee spoke louder than everything else.

I hobbled up to a sweet hotel. The woman owner, tucked me into a room with hot tea, candies and Vic’s vapor rub. Waved her hand and said, ‘later’ when I tried to pay her for the room. I wouldn't have though of Vic’s but it feels great. I am stretched out in bed and am staying here 3 nights.

If rest helps, that informs me. If it does not, that is different information.

I am next to another Mary Cathedral.

I am being with my own Ghost Bridges. (Including this f*#^ing one!)

Tonight is the full moon. Reflecting on EveryThing.

Again… And yet again… I surrender.

I am going to stay off my knee for 3 days, increase my meditation, write, listen carefully, cry, breathe. Be Grateful... Heart Open Wide…

And make a decision if I can continue on Monday...

Regardless... My Journey continues...

The Sacred Forest and a Chat with Mary

Tue, 19 Apr 2016 20:07:41 GMT

Mary
In
The Sacred Forest...

The last few days have been shimmery and remarkable. What do I mean when I say ‘shimmery’. It is when occurrences and synchronicity and people and places all get together and dance.

I have been writing about it most of the afternoon…. And the story is still being created as I walk this Journey… So it is not yet time to tell it all… Here is a bit:

Walking from Azofra to Granon, for the first time, I let myself look at a calendar, to count the number of days left and divide the miles remaining by the days. My knee injury has slowed me down and required more ‘rest’ days. While I still have plenty of ‘time’ I began doing what I have leaned away from and thought about ‘planning’

I was trying to figure out if there was a way I could do the approximately 37 miles from Granon to Burgos in 2 days rather than three. It isn't just the miles, there are also two passes to climb and more problematic for my knee, to go down.

Then In Granon, I walked 1km off The Camino and found a sacred forest where the veil is very thin… A place that called to me. Alburgue de Carrasquedo, It felt very familiar. There I met a modern day Knight Templar (yes, they still tend The Camino) and an amazing man of the forest.

One looked into my face, one looked into my soul.

There I also heard a sirens call: ‘Lets take the bus to Burgos, you can skip the passes, save your knee. There isn't much to see in the mountains and the walk into Burgos is all industrial anyway.’

I said ‘yes’.

And the ‘extra’ time meant, I could spend a day in the sacred forest and write, which I did.

Then my dreams began to follow a pattern…
And the man who saw into my soul… With barely any English… Recognized me…
Then he asked me to sing… So I did.

The morning I was to walk to the town where I would catch a bus…
In a rarely used cathedral to Mary (Maria)…
In a sacred grove, much older than the church that stands in it…

Mary and I had a chat…

She gave me something… And I gave something to her…

Then I stepped out the door…
Said ‘no’ to the bus…
And walked.

I am now in Burgos. It did take me 3 days.
I Blessed each step I almost did not take.

Mary Was...
Is
Everywhere...

On the path I almost did not take

My day walking with mist and Hearts...

The Burgos Cathedral (Also a Mary Cathedral)

And…

I decided I will walk to Finisterre no matter how long it takes.
Plane tickets can be changed.
I am no longer counting days and miles left to walk.

And…

It is time to be quiet for awhile…
I have some Ghost Bridges to walk.
I don’t know how long…
Probably a couple weeks.

I will return to this blog… This/these stories will be told/shared….

Yet today… I choose to live them.

So Mote it Be…

Notes from The Camino de Frances: Week Two

Mon, 18 Apr 2016 16:20:32 GMT

Notes...

GreyWolff Walking
El Camino de Frances

Week Two...

‘Notes’ are some of my observations, thoughts and experiences during my seven weeks walking The Camino de Frances, one of the routes of The Camino de Santiago, also known as 'The Way'. Each day is overflowing with experience and it is my intent to reflect the (my) rhythm and feel of each day rather than to write a travelogue. As I said in my ‘preparing’ posts; I am not a detail person, if you are looking for ‘just how much was that elevation gain’ or other details, the internet is full of information for every step. (Here is a good place to begin). You are also welcome to follow me on Facebook for more photos and experiences.

My ‘miles per day’ includes everything. Walking into a town for mid-morning, cafe’ con leche’, going down a side path to a perfect picnic spot or even climbing up 3 flights to the top floor in an albergue (pilgrim hostel). It will differ from the ‘official’ miles between towns, yet perhaps better reflect an actual day, on your feet, on The Camino.

Also of note… This is my Camino. My Way. If you are considering ‘talking a long walk’… It will be different. I invite you to make it your own!

Day eight.
Puente la Reina to Vilatuerta.
13.64 miles.
The Rainbow.

My night in Puente la Reina brought dreams of the past and while not quite nightmares, I woke feeling ‘why is that following me here’. Of course, ‘there’ is always ‘here’ because it all resides within me.

The morning was crisp, perfect for walking when I left town by walking over the beautiful bridge. It was built in the 11th century to ease the journey of and make safer for, the pilgrims walking on The Way. This morning as I walked over it, I saw a rainbow in the distance. It felt like a blessing.

Interestingly as I paused and stood on top of the bridge, I could sense within myself the ‘its morning… time to GO’. I continue to become increasingly aware of how strong the ‘GO’ impulse is within my being. As this was just the beginning of my second week on The Camino, I simply observed it and leaned away from analyzing.

This day also bought me to another ‘ghost bridge’. As I was already stirred up from my dreams the night before, it was easy to recognize. When I arrived, 6-7 other pilgrims were there, eating lunch and resting. I felt a strong draw to the place. None of the other pilgrims had english as a primary language so it was easy to just sit and feel the place. The draw was deep enough I stayed until everyone else left. I had some whispers to hear there.

(‘Ghost bridges/paths’ is a follow up or deepening of my exploration last year with Shadow Dancing. It is turning into a central experience of walking The Camino and I will write much more when the words move to the surface. Now, I observe, experience and feel.)

I had planned to go to the next town but when I walked into Vilatuerta and saw a sign for ‘La Casa Magica’ and my knee began to spasm. I do not need anymore encouragement than that! I walked into a beautiful welcoming refuge. Snatam Kaur was playing. I was immediately offered a chair, water and a cookie. Right behind me walked in a Camigas friend who to that moment, I had only met on Facebook. She too felt called to this special place.

We shared a lovely evening with other pilgrims over an excellent ‘pilgrims dinner’ served by La Casa Magica

Some alburgues are a bed and a shower. Others like this one, a welcome deep hug. Beginning the day with a rainbow and ending it with a hug… Soothed my distracted-with-the-past Heart.

Day nine.
Vilatuerta to Vilamayor de Monjardin
9.91 miles.
The Mirror.

This part of The Camino continues to transition from mountains to the rolling hills of farms. Now increasingly including wine grapes and wineries. Beautiful expansive vistas with the path stretching into the distance.

Like I experienced the first day out of Pamplona, there is something about these expansive spaces that accentuate my sense of ‘alone’. It is a bit of an internal paradox that I recognize. I actually love being alone with space all around me… I recognize the ‘one’ that is beyond words. The Divine is easily felt… Yet also present, is the slight ache to share the wonder ‘with’…

I will probably have to repeat this multiple times in these ‘notes’. It is hard to talk about other people, especially in a public blog without the following caveat: When I facilitate workshops and retreats I often tell participants that there are people there who you need to meet… I also say it is the people you are most drawn to, and the people who ‘rub you wrong’. Especially is they elicit a reaction. They are mirrors full of information. I follow this ‘teaching’ myself. So now and anytime I share uncomfortable situations with people, I know it is ultimately not about them. They are offering me a mirror. A way to see myself or the circumstance in a new or deeper way.

The Camino is full of mirrors. Both people I am drawn to and people I react to. With reaction, it is my intent to keep it internal and observe my reaction for what it has to teach me.

Facebook and Camino Forums are a great way to learn from and meet other pilgrims before walking. I knew of many people who would be walking about the same time.

This day on My Way I met another person who I had only interacted with on Facebook. We have a great deal in common and thus she was someone I was looking forward to meeting in person. After I met her and the person she was walking with, I made the choice to walk with them, anticipating a conversation. We walked together for a bit and I began to realize the conversation was quite one-sided. I asked her about herself yet no questions about me were returned. We probably walked together for about 20 minutes and when I slowed down for a short downhill stretch (my knee) at the bottom she was long gone. Not even a parting word.

I found myself feeling discarded and (my shadow) abandoned. Or even my deeper Shadow. Not seen. About that time, I came to a place to sit, so did so next to a beautiful field.

I sat and felt all that was flowing/reacting inside of me. I observed, felt and then released. The birds were singing… The beauty of the earth was awe inspiring. I gently leaned away from ‘alone’ and breathed into The Divine One. I looked around… And remembered… I am never ‘alone’. I sent silent gratitude to my mirror… Got up and… Walked.

The hills spoke to my knee and spasms stopped me at Vilamayor de Monjardin. A sweet, sweet little town and an alburgue with stunning views. hOMe for a night, once again…

Day ten.
Vilamayor de Monjardin to Torres del Rio. 13.57 miles.
Joining the Tribe.

Day eleven.
Torres del Rio to Logrono
15.9 miles.
Walking Wounded.

The first thing that happened these two days was I faced my physical vulnerabilities and made the choice to ship my pack ahead. I reached a ‘choice point’ of how to proceed with my increasingly unhappy knee. Walking these two days felt great although not pain free so
I made that choice while in Logrono.

It could have been a response to my sense of ‘alone’ and/or simple timing but these two days I also found myself with a core group of pilgrims. While I still walked by/with myself, often at break stops on The Way and every evening I was with the same people. Several small groups that combined into a larger group.

I did enjoy these evenings. Sharing stories, laughing, eating and drinking together. Nice people, some of whom I had first met many days back. When I got to Logrono I stayed in an alburgue outside of the central part of the city where most of the pilgrim alburgue’s were.

On arrival into Logrono, I found myself feeling and being cranky. I was feeling this underlying irritability. When I first arrived at the alburgue, the hospitalalero (host), with almost no english and my little Spanish, saw my knee brace, sat me down, gave me water and a cookie (such a lovely gesture when tired) yet she went a bit further, she went to the freezer and gave me a bag of peas for my knee. Heaven. I decided I would stay a day in Logrono, figure out what was next, and see if I could let go of the irritability. And again, while it had nothing to do with the lovely people of ‘the tribe’ I was simply ready to step out of the party.

Day 12.
Logrono.
Having a conversation with my knee.

Day 13.
Logrono to Navarrete.
10.91 miles.
My Joy returns!

I left Logrono on a beautiful clear day. Settled into my new lighter pack and continued careful attention to what my knee wanted and how to walk with the wound. I should clarify, it really is not my knee joint, which is a very good thing. It is the ligament/muscles on the lower outside of my knee. Our wounds teach us so much, they have a very specific voice. Walking all day is an excellent education in listening.

Day thirteen was a day of wonder and delight. I found the new rhythm of my physical stride. On the way into Navarrete, a wonderful place called to me. Part of tending my body is to stop, take my shoes off and do some yoga. I came to the ruins of a ‘pilgrim hospital’ founded in 1185. The ruins have been well preserved and are surrounded with flower filled grass. I know these ‘hospitals’ were run by the women, most likely nuns. I sat on the stones and had a sense of them. It has long been my practice to ‘greet’ the ancestors of a place. They felt very present here. I addressed them and spoke my recognition and gratitude. I let them know they are not forgotten. I walked all around the rocks barefoot and it felt wonderful. A massage for my feet. I also humbly asked for a bit of healing for my knee. It was a lovely, sacred hour or so.

Soon after, came the perfect validation for non-plans. I arrived in Navarrete and since my knee was feeling good, considered going another 3-4 miles to the next town. But that town was a bit off The Camino and only one albergue. It was about 2 in the afternoon and I considered the potential of it being full. I looked around the sweet town and thought... I will just stay here.

At that moment, I was literally standing next to an alburgue so I walked in. It turned out to be an alburgue attached to a nice hotel. It is a small, beautiful, sweet apartment with 8 beds, it looked out directly onto the town square and a Mary Cathedral. The best part was only 4 of us shared it and I had perhaps the best conversation I have had since being on The Way. A woman who is definitely a sista' (daughter) of the Heart & Spirit and her sweet man plus a radiant man from Chicago. Sharing making dinner in the kitchen, with great music playing. A sweet, lovely Heart flowing connection.

Day 14
Navarrete to Azofra.
16.02 miles.
Strength and the path.

I continued to deepen my comfort with my knee. Even with the most gentle decline, I always needed to make the choice to slow down, step carefully and pay attention. I naturally have a long and fairly fast walk. Long legs move that way. What my knee asks for downhill is smaller steps with full range of motion. That ‘GO’ tendency showed up again, I was able to play with it and let it talk to me.

If you allow it… The Way offers challenges and mirrors. Not always comfortable or pretty… Although… Flowing with insight and wisdom!

Only the end of week two… Wow, just getting started!

Reaching a Choice Point Walking The Camino

Wed, 13 Apr 2016 20:12:48 GMT

On Day Three walking...
I injured my knee...

Decision time
came on Day 11

On The Camino you can choose how to walk. There are baggage companies who will move your pack/luggage from place to place. The service is 5-7 euro a day and seems to be quite reliable. They pick it up from your alburgue (pilgrim hostel), guest house or hotel. Of course to do this you need to have a destination. Most private alburgues take reservations so some people choose to reserve places and ship their bags the entire way.

When I decided to walk The Camino, it was my intent to have no plans. I wanted to let each day unfold as my stride and rhythm asked. Then, on day three I injured my knee going too fast on a steep downhill. This has slowed me down and required a couple of shorter days and a couple of rest days. The good news is I am sure it is a ligament/muscle strain and not the knee joint its self. I am fine walking flat or uphill but downhill is quite painful. I have been managing by carefully giving it my attention and I have learned how to ‘walk around’ it.

A few days ago, after about a 10 mile day, I hobbled into Vilamayor de Monjardin and knew it was time to do something different. The next 2 days I shipped my pack ahead and then ended up in the large city of Logrono where I decided to rest my knee for a day, do laundry and make a decision on how I would proceed. Walking without my pack for 2 days felt physically great but it also felt strange to not have it for the things I use it for during the day. In Logrono I reached a choice point.

I have no direct attachment to carrying my own pack. I don't need to ‘carry my sins’ as some of the ancient pilgrims did, as a way of atonement. My biggest attachment to carrying my own pack is that I do not have to plan/book ahead. Even in those couple days, I felt the emotional ‘weight’ of doing so.

So yesterday in Logrono I sat with all my options: Continue to carry my pack and walk shorter days. Ship my pack. Or…. Lighten my pack. I started with 17 pounds and added one pair of running pants and one cotton t-shirt that I have been sleeping in.

I spread everything out and felt what my Heart and body wanted. The answer was clear. I do not want to plan ahead each day any more than a general idea or intent. That left only one option. Let go of some weight. I looked at each thing and considered how or if I had used it up to that point. My desire to carry my own pack and the flexibility it gave me made the ‘get rid of’ easier. The ‘let go of’ pile grew. While I do not have the place to weigh it… I think I eliminated a third or more of the weight.

What do I have left? (My original list)
2 Patagonia Neo-puff jackets (one makes a great pillow one can be a blanket)
Rain jacket
2 shirts
2 pair running pants
light quick dry skirt
Ibuprofen, Zycam, Amoxicillin (all loose in a small ziplock)
A few bandaids, breathe-right strips
3 pair socks
2 pair underwear
1 bra
Slippahs’ (thongs)
extra pair of running shoes (these will probably go soon)
This computer/charger
iPhone/charger
Dr Bronners soap, toothbrush, paste, small tube sunscreen
Hair brush and a few hair ties
Collapsable cup, spork, knife (titanium, very light)
3 stuff bags
Tilly hat, sunglasses
Walking poles
Soft knee brace

Much of this I am wearing while I walk!

Today I walked 10 miles with my new lighter pack and while my knee still talks downhill, it does so quietly and I feel great!

Rearrange… Shift… Respond…

Shedding…. Shedding… Shedding…

And The Way Continues…

(Saw this sign today...)

Notes From The Camino de Frances... Week One

Tue, 12 Apr 2016 19:08:21 GMT

Leaving St Jean Pied de Port, France

Notes...

GreyWolff Walking

El Camino de Francés
Week One...

Day One.
St Jean Pied de Port, France to Valcarlos: 10.8 miles. The Honeymoon.

Two puppies who came out of the woods and walked with me for a couple miles.

From SJPDP to Roncesvalles there are two routes. One that goes higher into the French Pyrenees and then down (Napoleon) and the other (Valcarlos) that goes directly up to the pass. Due to heavy snow the Napoleon route was closed and even though the Valcarlos is ‘easier’. I decided to take 2 days to get to Roncesvalles rather than one. The Camino is not a sprint. This was a very good choice.

Day one was a beautiful sunny cool day where the birds sang and puppies played at my feet. Literally! I cried several times out of simple awe. After all the thought and preparation… I was walking El Camino de Santiago!!! Physically I felt great and I settled into carrying my pack.

My plan was always to walk The Way by/with myself. I anticipated walking some with others but held the intent to lean away from doing so. I stayed in St Jean Pied de Port 2 nights in a lovely guest house and met 3 other pilgrims including Mark from Australia. The above said, I previously decided that perhaps I would walk with someone the first couple days as they are the most mountainous. Mark and I agreed to walk that first day together and share another guest house in Valcarlos.

Sitting on a rock fence, taking a selfie of my 'Camigas' buff. 'She believed she could, so she did'.

That morning I needed to walk into town before I left and as Mark was all ready… I said ‘go’ and so he went on his way and I left alone, a little later. Leaving 'later' in the morning has become ‘My Way’. So as I intended, I walked that first day alone and did not even see another pilgrim all day. I loved it! I was on The Way…

(Camigas is a Facebook group for women walking The Camino)

Day two: Valcarlos to Roncesvalles.
10 miles, straight up.
The Kick ass climb.

Mark wanted to walk together that second day as we had a bit of walk along the road and ‘together we are seen by cars better’. Again, he was up and packed sooner than me and we decided to meet at a coffee shop to begin. While Valcarlos was small, I didn’t find the place he described so I ate my breakfast and once again began walking alone. It seemed that my intent was overriding my decisions. Interestingly both days, I was more ‘going along’ with Mark’s suggestion. Ahhhh yes, The Camino began reminding me early on!

I loved the French Pyrenees! It was a beautiful day of hiking and I say hiking rather than walking on purpose. It is a hike. Up. Another perfect sunny cool day. While day one was completely solitary (other than critters) day two began a wonderful bonding with other perigrino’s. Pilgrim’s on El Camino. Lots of stopping, chatting, encouraging each other on.

This was the day I found out my physical conditioning was good. I will not say it was easy, yet my body felt strong, my cardio conditioning responsive and my pack felt great. I continued to marvel at the beauty, the realization of the Journey and the sense that it all felt very shimmery.

On day two I experienced a lovely synchronicity. At one point I needed to find a place to squat. Yes, this is how it works on The Camino. In walking down a little path I found a magical place and had a remarkable experience. This is its own post and will follow another time… I will just say, I continue too hold the intent of being willing to stop anytime, anywhere and for as long as I want. I believe it is in these ‘called to’ places… The Way reveals Herself.

Crawling up the last steps to the mountain pass and Roncesvalles felt like a great accomplishment. That night I gave up the ‘guest house’ experience and stayed in the (very nice) municipal albergue. 185 beds and after the bonding that occurred getting there… A deepening of the community that is pilgrims walking The Camino.

Day three: Roncesvalles, Spain to Zurubi.
15 miles.
The hard learned lesson.

The pass at Roncesvalles looking back towards St Jean Pied de Port

I woke up that morning feeling a bit sore but quite energetic. Another sunny cool day! Another day of walking with beauty, now in the Spanish Pyrenees and heading down the pass. This day felt like a bit of a repeat of day one. Joy, quick interactions with now familiar faces on the path and a sense of wonderment.

I felt so good in my body. After warming up, the soreness was replaced with a feeling of strength. Then… The last part of the day was a very steep decline on rocks, shale and granite. This is where my conditioning lulled me into a false sense of invincibility. Hmmmmmm… Dare I say I was over-confident in my ability?! I descended too fast. Rock hopping rather than careful stepping.

Going downhill

I also chose to ignore the increasing discomfort in my left knee, thinking ‘I am almost down’ to Zurubi.

A mistake. I ignored everything I had learned in my physical preparation and that was to clearly listen to my body.

I have discovered that some towns will have a their own, slightly different version of the Camino Scallop Shell. Perhaps another bit of in-my-face synchronicity was, that on this day, I saw the Shell, Tree and (perhaps dog but I see) Wolf. The Earth Tree Dancing has long been my business logo. The BlackWolff, my addictive nature. There She was, on the street as I walked on my increasingly painful knee. Hmmmmmm!

Day four: Zurubi to Pamplona.
16.4 miles.
Walking with Shadows.

The rain showed up on this day and continued all day. Being from the Pacific NorthWest there is something comforting about the rain. Walking in my rain jacket felt a bit like walking in a tent cocoon. I also followed a river most of the day.

Just before I left Portland I went to A Bruce Springsteen concert. It was an excellent experience to send me on My Way. This was his ‘River’ tour where he played the all the songs from his early album ‘The River’. When the concerts was over and the lights went on… This song sung by Alison Krauss was playing. Perfect. I love the song and the entire prior year in Portland of ‘walking bridges with the river’, was the way I ‘prayed’. I sang this song, walking with the river all day.

Physically I gave attention to the knee I ignored the day before. That is how it works… ‘Ignore the whispers, it will scream’. The good news is my knee only hurts with steep downhill grades. Walking flat or uphill was fine. The pain is on the outside and will tend to radiate down. The damage was my ligaments and the muscles they attach to, not to the knee joint its self. I spent the day figuring out how to protect it and not cause injury to anything else by compensating.

I also emotionally beat myself up a bit which is pretty easy to do while walking in the rain! Yet, self-pity and self-disappointment was not going to get me another 500+ miles. What else did I flow through my day? I do have a lot of self-confidence and if I place my attention on something, I can gather accomplishments well. That rainy sometimes painful day… I asked myself the question: How has my self-confidence served me and how has it not? Where is the difference and how do I recognize it? Day four of walking alone, I found myself walking with me…

Day five: Pamplona.
Alone in a crowd

I spent day five staying in Pamplona. Exploring, resting my knee, laundry, taking a couple hot baths in my private room. While I really enjoyed the city and spent time with some wildly fun Australian pilgrims, the busy, loud, city quickly felt uninviting. I also observed an interesting thing… Being around lots of people while being alone, somehow feels more lonely to me. For the first time on my Journey, I was wishing to share it with someone.

Day six: Pamplona to Uterga.
12.54 miles.
Heart flowing.

Walking out of Pamplona

In what continued to be my stride, I left town a little later in the morning. I enjoy easing into the day. After being in the mountains, leaving Pamplona turns into wide-open beautiful spaces.

Once I was well outside of the city, breathing in the expansiveness, a wave of sadness enveloped me. The sadness was about my late husband Joe. Sometimes grief can still wash through me with a sense of ‘look at me now Joe’…. ‘Look at what I am doing!’ And an even deeper sadness that he is no longer in body to experience something he would have loved. For the first time on The Way… I cried a deep sobbing release from My Heart. And as the tears flowed then slowed, from that release came the peace of knowing that… Love Remains. All/Ways.

On day six, during my almost 13 mile walk over a mountain, I only briefly saw two other pilgrims. I met the first, shortly after my good cry. I had stopped to take my pack off and remove a layer of clothes when a man walked by, looking at me directly in the eyes and we wished each other a ‘Buen Camino’, he spoke with a thick accent. He had that feel about him that it seemed he looked directly into my Heart. I walked behind him a for a short while and then we entered a series of turns and bridges, where I passed him as he stopped to adjust his pack. We shared more sweet smiles. Then a few more turns and I never saw him again. Yet something about our brief interaction sent Peace flowing through my Heart. I saw Joe in his eyes. I have never seen him again, I still wonder if he was ‘real’ or simply a Camino Angel.

Looking back at Pamplona...

The hovering Hawk

The day passed for me, walking in peace, walking with gratitude. I continued to learn how to tend my knee and to listen very carefully. It was a long climb walking up to an iconic sculpture and incredibly beautiful pass. Almost at the top, I saw a Hawk, hanging on the wind. Joe's totem was the raptors... Hawks, Owls, Eagles. I stood and watched this one for a long time.

I stayed on the pass, with the sculpture for quite a while. Feeling the difference of being alone in the city and being alone with views all around me as far as I could see.

As many times as I have seen this sculpture that depicts pilgrims over the ages… For the first time I noticed the dog. And weeds shaped like Hearts.

Yes, I am on the right path... And I am never 'alone'.

Unfortunately, what followed was a long steep downhill hike that made my knee howl. This was not good. At the end of the day I walked into an Alburgue and met a woman from The Big Island of Hawai’i. We immediately knew each others ‘language’ and shared a delightful conversation that evening.

Day seven: Uterga to Puente la Reina.
6.5 miles.
The short day.

Day seven I walked with Alaia from The Big Island. We both decided to make the day short. After the steep down, I wanted to again ‘rest’ my knee. I enjoyed our conversation while we walked, we have much in common and it was delightful to share with someone who has similar intent with walking The Camino.

This was my first time walking with anyone for more than 10 or so minutes. Interestingly while I enjoyed it, it also felt distracting. I don’t even remember much about what we walked through. This has nothing to do with her… Only my internal Journey.

Day seven, I also simply felt tired. More emotionally tired than physical. I explored the little city and felt very drawn to the ancient bridge. It was then I realized it had been two weeks since the full moon and that night was the dark of the moon.

More than any day since leaving Portland, I felt the presence of the life I left behind. And I felt growing a concern for my knee… A couple beers with dinner, and I went to sleep early. That night, even my dreams were of the past.

More to follow as GreyWolff Walks...

Day Seven of Walking The Way... I Surrender!

Thu, 07 Apr 2016 18:14:15 GMT

To what you ask?

To Everything...

I have been writing and writing and the swirling spirals are dancing in beautiful chaos.
I know the connection is there…
And I know…

Now…

I simply need to observe
and listen
and follow shells
and marvel
and laugh
and wonder
and feel pain
and question
and smile
and sit
and ‘gracias’
and sleep
and remember
and touch
and cry
and stretch
and discover
and smell
and meditate
and ‘buen Camino’
and ask
and eat
and flow
and read
and experience
and…
FEEL…

And walk… One foot in front of another… Walk.

And... Walk some more...

Dear Ones…
The stories and observations and reflections
will coalesce into more clarity on-the-page.
Yet for now…
All I can offer is a glimpse
into the Shimmery Yummy Chaos…
GreyWolff Walking… Heart Open Wide.

Two Bridges... Two Mirrors... And Bruce...

Thu, 07 Apr 2016 17:42:32 GMT

Today… The dark (new) moon…
I had to look a calendar to prove to myself
it was only 2 weeks ago and the full moon…
The night something cracked open…
Then merged.

That night…
With the music of Bruce Springsteen,
intwined within the cellular memory of my being…
Unearthing, stirring… Rising.

I gazed deeply into the eyes of connection…
The kind of connection that is rare.
The profound connection that originates in my core,
spirals through my Heart…
Out my lips…

And always…
Always…
At the center... A mirror.

A connection with two men, 2 sets of eyes.
2 very different mirrors…

One… The Shadow Dance of Ghost Paths…
The other… Validation and recognition and warm kisses on a bridge...
glowing the green of Anahata…
Heart Wide Open.

And both…
Exactly the mirrors I needed to look into.
Perfect synchronicity to begin my Spiral Journey.

The breath and presence and perfect imperfection... That reflects and gives juice to...
The sacred stories I now walk through.
That I now... (re)Create…

And Bruce… Dear poet, storyteller, rock n' roller, Bruce…
You said:

‘I am in the middle of a long conversation with my audience,
it will be a lifelong Journey for the both of us by the time it is done…’

I agree… With Gratitude!

Walking bridges… One of the archetypes of my Journey…

2 weeks ago… The moon was full… The glowing-green-bridge open only 7 months.
Today… The bridge was built in the 11th century. Built to protect pilgrims walking The Camino… Even then, as I do now… Carrying a scallop shell… Walking…

Tonight I will go out on this bridge… And listen for the whispers… Plant a seed of intention into this waking-earth-spring-new-moon.

Preparing to Walk The Way... Spirit

Thu, 31 Mar 2016 20:07:32 GMT

How did
I prepare my
Spirit

To walk
El Camino de Frances?

Walking with The Divine

A 500 mile walk from St Jean Pied de Port, France in the French Pyrenees, across Northern Spain to Santiago de Compostela, the destination for Pilgrims on all routes of El Camino. Then if you are an ocean person like myself, to walk another 50 miles to The Atlantic Ocean at Finisterre, Spain. This Journey is also known as The Way...

Preparing to Walk The Way... Heart

Thu, 31 Mar 2016 19:21:00 GMT

Tilikum Crossing Bridge, Portland, Oregon

How did I prepare
my Heart
to walk

El Camino de Frances?

Why address fears
in ‘preparation of Heart’ (emotion)?

Fear lives in the Heart.

It touches our Shadow places,
our wounds and vulnerabilities.
The places of hesitation.

Being with these fears
helps one prepare to
walk.

Full moon, shining on The Willamette River, Portland

The above could be called healthy fears. I do not fear Gaia/nature. She takes great care of me. Yet, The Earth is neutral. Her destructive force is as present as her nurturing force, I respect and understand them both.

And I understand the Gaia within… My own little ecosystem that I call ‘my body’. In my prior post ‘Preparing The Body’ I spoke of what I can influence through my choices… How I move my own physiology and what do I carry and wear. Then here, closer to the Heart, I speak of the vulnerabilities from the exterior. The variabilities inherent in the weather. Viruses and bacteria. So an extra layer of warmth, a big rain jacket, a couple medications are all easy responses to real yet smaller concerns.

It is interesting… Knowing what I fear is as informative as what I do not. You notice in my pack list, there is no ‘guide book’. I do not fear ‘getting lost’. One, I have confidence in my ability to figure it out as I go along (I have been doing so my entire life) and second, getting lost sometimes is an adventure in its self.

What then, are my deeper concerns of The Heart as I prepare to walk The Way? And as every life expression reflects the whole, what is my deepest wound/fear in general… The dance of my Shadow Self. What in my pack reflects my Shadow?

I am typing on it. My computer.

As I explored last year while ‘Dancing with The Triple Spiral’… My deepest wound/pain/fear is ‘not being seen’. Of not being valued for exactly Who-I-Am. Today. Now. Of being abandoned and thus disconnected.

And the most profound discovery of my Shadow Dance was at the spiraling center, where I found a mirror. There I more deeply felt and recognized that the most detrimental expression of not being seen, valued, cherished… Of feeling disconnected… Was by/with myself. Of abandoning my own Heart. Of abandoning my own Spirit.

Why does carrying my computer represent this Shadow? The exterior response is expressed in writing this blog and Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. That is a lot of ‘being seen’! Although I know that 1000 ‘likes’ on a Facebook post will never touch or heal being lost within my own Heart & Spirit. Only I can integrate that self-inflicted wound.

Our Shadows contain our greatest wounds, deepest pain and most profound fear. Yet, inherent within our Shadow, is the insight and the pathway to integrate them. With integration they become our greatest allies, our clearest guides... A beautiful expression of Who-I-Am. As reflected in Joseph Campbell's words... 'Where you stumble, there lies your treasure...'

I have a book inside of me wanting to emerge. My background is much more in facilitating groups, so in other words, I tend to speak better than I write. I have discovered blogging is like ‘speaking’, a subtle yet powerful difference for me. I am preparing my Heart to walk The Way by saying ‘yes’ and releasing my hesitation about writing. Beyond and through my personal Journey, I know there will be the next expression of how I can serve others. It begins with this conversation, on this blog, tapping on this computer. Now.

A few months ago I was in a shimmery, powerful conversation with a friend who is a brilliant therapist. (Gratitude Melissa) Late at night, we were wandering down the rabbit hole of personal and shared reflection and she asked me a question. Which I answered from a deep place of no filters:

Next to where I am staying in St Jean Pied de Port, France the beginning of The Camino de Frances. I begin tomorrow morning and will walk first, over this bridge.

The question:
‘What do you fear most
walking The Camino’?

I have been lost from my own Heart and Spirit for quite a while. The last year I reached points of despair I had never quite been to before. Walking has been a powerful practice to be with the pain, insight, yearning, joy and reflection of my Heart. In Portland, I walk both side of the Willamette Riverfront, walking bridges as I weave my spiraling circles. Footsteps become miles, miles invite understanding, understanding weaves to integration.

I have 7 weeks to (only) walk, eat, write and sleep. Then repeat. On ‘The Way’, I am seeking the cadence of my stride… The clarity of my voice… The next expression of my service…The rhythm of my own precious HeartBeat.

And...
What was my unfiltered answer to the question:
What do you most fear walking The Camino?

'That it won't work...'

And how will I know if 'it did work'?
I leave that to the Wisdom of Uncertainty...
Remember, I don't have a guide book...
I am figuring it out as I go along!

(Want a hint? It already is!)

Next: Preparing to Walk The Way... Spirit

Preparing to Walk The Way... Mind

Thu, 31 Mar 2016 12:19:16 GMT

How did I prepare
my mind
to walk

El Camino de Frances?

Clean desk in my office, life details tucked in.

First, make the decision, which I did in October 2015. Try it on… Be with how it feels in the body, in the mind, in the Heart… In the Spirit. How did it feel to me? I can only say it felt to be exactly the correct choice. Once I decided, there was no hesitation.

Then? How do you prepare the mind?

While I had no hesitation, at times I wondered what the hell I had decided to do! Let me begin by saying, I am not a highly detailed person. I tend to wander through life feeling, experiencing and observing the big picture. I love to sit back recognize the weaving web of connection. The little pieces that are a part of that web? Not so much.

Spread sheets are not my friends, I like dancing outside of the box and spread sheets are full of little boxes. I like circles and spirals. That said, walking 550 miles and carrying on my back everything I will use for 7 weeks, through a country where I only speak pequeña cantidad de (small amount of) the language... Does ask for a bit of attention to the details.

I like getting my information in an interactive way so I joined Camino Facebook pages and Camino forums and read discussions everyday. The information (and opinions) were offered on every conceivable detail. When to go, which route, how/where to stay, reservations or none, alone or not, what kind of pack to carry (or hire a company to take it place to place), exactly what to put in the pack or not, how much should it weigh. And shoes… Oh the discussions about shoes!

It was exciting, informative, overwhelming and at times, daunting.

On occasion, I felt myself get reactionary: ‘OMG, I must find boots that work for me’. Do I need to study more Spanish? Do I need to study the route and should I make that route spreadsheet? Should I make a list of the ‘best’ albugeres? Do I need to take… (The list is long).

As with preparing my body, my mental preparation became a quiet listening to myself. I kept returning to my core knowing. What does matter to me? What will allow me to feel prepared? How do I desire and choose to BE with this Journey?

My body informed me that running shoes work best for me. I did not study Spanish. I know a little and in my experience, when I get into a country and am immersed in a language. I figure it out.

I did not ‘study’ the route. I want my days to unfold as I feel drawn to… Walk more, walk less, stay here, continue on. I gave myself the expansiveness of 7 weeks to walk. I certainly have a sense of the 550 miles. Every evening I will look ahead at what possibilities the next day brings. (I may sit at dinner next to a pilgrim with a spreadsheet ;)

Albugeres? Reservations? I have reservations for 2 nights in Paris and 2 nights in St Jean Pied de Port. Once I begin walking The Camino, I will see what shows up each day. Perhaps I will miss ‘the best one’. Perhaps what I do experience, will be even better! And while I plan to stay in alburges most of The Way, I have given myself ‘permission’ to occasionally stay in a private room, B&B or hotel, if the desire arrives.

Trying out my rain jacket on a windy very wet Portland day

I am carrying my own pack,
to send things ahead,
you have to plan ahead.

No plans for this peregrina.

What is in my pack? I spent time pondering, weighing and asking myself the questions of 'this' or 'that'. I also spent a fair amount of time (and money) talking about 'things', with the great folks at at REI. Never on the 'no' list is the computer I am now typing on. It weighs a precious 2 pounds (Small MacBook Pro). Central to this Journey is my intention and desire to write. I experimented with other techniques (dictation or writing on my phone), it did not work.

My list:
My pack: Osprey Exos 58
3 shirts, 3 pairs of running pant/leggins, skirt
3 panties, bra
3 pair of socks, 2 sock liners
Rain jacket that covers my pack
2 Patagonia Neo Puff jackets (Very light and warm, I can wear both if needed. At night when placed in a stuff sack with the fiber liner turned inside out, my pillow)
Gloves (wool)
2 buffs
2 pair shoes. Nike Vomero’s and Nike Glides, both water resistant
Slippahs (thongs) for evening and the showers.
2 clothes pins, 1 carabiner, 6 safety pins
Small head light, whistle
Tilley hat, sunglasses
Small hiking down comforter
Mattress cover/sleep sack treated with permethrin (yep, for da' possibility of bedbugs)
Hiking towel
Amoxicillin, ibuprofen, zycam, foot care band-aids
Brush, hair ties, lip balm, small sunscreen tube
Dr Bronners (for body, hair, clothes)
Tooth brush, paste
Spork, knife, small collapsable cup, camel back bladder for water in my pack.
Small Tibetan prayer flags
Hiking poles
Computer, charger
iPhone (with some handy apps including ‘Gaia GPS’ which holds maps and tracks me off line… I love maps!)
Small against my body, ‘purse pack’ with passport, camino passport, American express card, debit card, cash.
My Camino Scallop Shell.

Seventeen pounds
including
the pack...

I also got a pedi the day before I left. Those toes have a lot of miles ahead!

Some things will be left, the gloves a shirt and pair of pants once I get out of the coldest (first) part of The Camino. I will be curious to see what else I may let go of.

About the Facebook groups and Camino forums. A few weeks before I left, I quit going to them. As the time to leave grew closer, I noticed reading them caused an increase in my reactionary self. The ‘OMG, I need to…’ It did not serve me well. I went back to the inner listening.

Eventually everything on the above list and my intent of ‘how to walk’... Was a simple decision. Also the last couple weeks before leaving, I tended the details of my life... Crossing off the 'to do' list of what to me, felt important to complete. Each decision, and each completion, settled my mind to be ready.

Next: Preparing to Walk The Way: The Heart

Yes, indeed!!!

Preparing to Walk The Way... Body

Thu, 31 Mar 2016 10:01:24 GMT

Walking with sunrise on Kauai

How did I prepare
my body
to walk

El Camino de Frances?

First, make the decision, which I did in October 2015. Try it on… Be with how it feels in the body, in the mind, in the Heart… In the Spirit. How did it feel to me? I can only say it felt to be exactly the correct choice. Once I decided, there was no hesitation.

Then? How do you prepare the body?

Walk, walk everywhere you go, then walk some more. For me walking was already a regular part of my life. Especially in the prior year as I danced through ‘The Interim Time’, facing my Shadows, fears, Ghost Paths and pain… Walking became a powerful meditation in integration. It is one of the reasons, taking a long walk called to me.

To begin with, I simply continued my regular routine: Walking 5-6 miles 4-5 times per week. After the first of the year I went to my second hOMe on the Hawaiian Island of Kaua’i for 5 weeks. There I increased my walks to daily and did 5-12 miles a day. For one week, I walked 17 miles a day.

Was this all ‘training’? I called it that yet perhaps the better word would be ‘listening’. I listened to my body. What did I hear? A deeper understanding of how to walk in a way that supported my physiology. How to carry myself. How to walk while holding my core which is necessary while carrying a pack (and helpful even without).

The other thing I listened to was: How did it feel? Or also questioned, did I like it?

I felt myself get stronger, more present in my body. I came to know my vulnerable areas (low back) in a new way. Of how to find the strength in vulnerability. On Kauai, I was walking with sunrise, getting up in the dark. Many mornings it was tempting to lounge in bed yet as soon as I began walking, I could hear my body puuurrring. Did I like it? Absolutely!

I returned to Portland for 5 weeks and my miles decreased. Life and tending the details filled up my time. I ‘lost’ some of the strength and conditioning which concerned me a bit yet when I once again listened… I know walking The Way is not a race. I will be walking 7 weeks, the strength and conditioning will return! I have confidence in 2 very important things: I know my body is capable of doing this. And I know better how to listen to what it tells me.

Here is one key to realizing the above. While some of the time I walked with friends while preparing for El Camino, most of the time I walked alone. In the silence of ‘alone’ I could more clearly hear the voice of my body.

And most importantly… My physiology informed me that: I love the cadence and rhythm of walking everyday. I feel deeply drawn to walking as a physical expression of a Spiritual path.

Walk The French Way of El Camino de Compostela?

My body said… Yes!

Next: Preparing to Walk The Way... Mind

The Joy and Difficulty of Being Awake...

Mon, 29 Feb 2016 20:38:28 GMT

Today...
I choose to be the voice
of a little girl...

Who can not tell
her own story...

Yet.

My intent with this blog is simple… I seek the insight, wisdom, delight and beauty of the world I walk in. Life is magnificent. Being as close to ‘last breath’ as I have been informs me of just how precious each moment ‘with-breath’ is.

The last few days I have observed and been part of some very difficult situations. Deeply broken people crashing through life… Sound asleep. These few days cumulated this morning when two more experiences arrived closely together. I can not share all of the stories, these two, represents them all...

This morning, I stopped at
a state rest area on the freeway.
Washing my hands in the women's rest room,
I read this sign.

In that moment,
I allowed what it represents
to settle into my Heart.

To imagine women standing at that sink... Afraid and without belief
in any other choices.

I silently sent them strength.

Now I am waiting while the brakes on my van are being replaced. A man came in to get a tire repaired with his 4ish year old daughter. He passed out in a chair and was very difficult to arouse. The manager of this place and I discussed what to do, he called the police. When the man finally roused, he could barely walk or talk. He smelled strongly of alcohol but his skin suggested, that is not all he is abusing. It is 10am.

I watched the little girl attempting to wake her ‘daddy’. It did not look like the first time she had done so. It was remarkable that none of this seemed to bother her.

What is her life?! What will it be?!

He and the girl just left with the police. I sent silent Blessings her way.

Here and on my Facebook I make a clear choice not to post about politics, 'causes', my stand about 'this' vs 'that' or my opinion of raging debates about current events. Believe me... This does not mean I am in anyway uniformed or do not think (and feel) deeply about things. I do.

I understand and have Gratitude for the life I have been given. I have the profound opportunity to place my attention on my 'inner life' and 'Dancing with Shadows' only because my basic needs are well taken care of and within my own control. I do not fear my today or my future. I understand and recognize how precious and statistically rare this freedom of Heart and Spirit is.

I also take my view quite wide... Looking at the universal dance of connection, patterns and probability. The trajectory of human beings, does not look good.

How do I live with the enormity of this knowing? My own personal choice is to live my life as clearly as possible. To choose peace in my own Heart. To love well. To make awareness centered choices. And perhaps influence or facilitate Hearts Opening within others to send the ripple of Love into the collective consciousness.

We are all connected… The little girl and the women and men the sign represents…

They are within me…
And I am within them.

I Walk… Live… Love… For us ALL…

I invite you to join me...

112 Miles...

Wed, 17 Feb 2016 18:17:09 GMT

First morning hOMe in Portland.

The last 7 days on Kauai I walked 112 miles (average 16 miles a day).
I did so in 3 walks a day at sunrise,
mid-day and sunset.

In the prior 4 weeks on Kauai,
I was walking 5-12 miles a day.
What did I learn?

I am preparing to walk The Camino de Frances. Beginning in St Jean Pied de Port in the Pryenees Mountains of France walking 500 miles to Santiago de Compostela in Galicia, Spain, the official ‘end’ of the pilgrimage of ‘The Way of St James’. But because I am an ocean person I will continue another 50 miles and complete my pilgrimage at the Atlantic Ocean at Finisterre, Spain. 550 miles.

I am planning on 7 weeks to do so, which is an average of 11-12 miles a day but my walking will not be that exact. I may have some days of 20 or more miles and some 8 mile days. How do you physically prepare to walk that far? Walk… And I carefully listen to my body.

It really is not about the distance, the last 5 weeks I have walked just under 300 miles although without a pack. That is a lot of miles, yet still not a Camino ‘pace’. Since I made the decision to walk The Camino, I never doubted that I can physically walk that far. It isn't a race. All I will be doing with my days is walking. Time and steps will eventually take me 550 miles.

The 7 days was not really about ‘training’ my body it was more about learning… Feeling… Listening. What did I learn in walking 16 or 17 miles a day for 7 days and walking every day for 5 weeks? The physical news is good. I feel great! I can at times feel sore overall and the best response for that is a bit of stretching.

Ahhhhhhhhh....

When I increased my miles,
I began stopping,
taking off my shoes and socks
and doing some yoga
about every 3 or 4 miles.
My feet loved this routine!

While of course I think it is a good plan to be reasonably fit when I begin… For me it is more about the mental preparation. I know my body, I know what I need to listen to. The real question is… How did my mind, Heart & Spirit feel walking every day?

I wanted to keep going, I could begin The Camino tomorrow.

There were moments, especially walking in the heat of the day, where I thought ‘OMG, this is going to be intense!’. Yet the large majority of the time, I loved the rhythm and the flow. Making the choice to to walk ‘The Way’… Is absolutely correct for me.

I will be in Portland 5 weeks and my routine will change. I will work and tend my life more than was necessary while I was on Kauai. I have been race walking many of my miles on Kauai for overall conditioning. In Portland I will slow down and add my pack. I have changed my mind about boots and will be shopping for a pair of trail runners that I will need to break in.

I will continue to post as I prepare body, mind, Heart & Spirit for this Journey. I will share my thoughts on the question I often get asked… ‘Why?’ It is already a remarkable Journey. One foot in front of another…

And now...
Off to REI to shop
for those trail runners!

Valentines Day...

Sun, 14 Feb 2016 23:01:40 GMT

But I love your feet
only because…
they walked upon the earth
and upon the wind
and upon the waters,
until they found me.

Pablo Neruda

Being 'single' on Valentines Day. Most people would say us 'unlucky' folks who are not partnered, just want someone to love us. I disagree, I yearn for someone to give my love to... I yearn to love well and and love deep...

I posted this on Facebook today:
'Ahhhhhhh Valentines Day. The delightful day when that special someone lets you know how much he loves you (Oh wait, there may be a problem here). Sarcastic?! Who me?!?! Please pass the chocolate... '
(With this short video from 'Somethings Gotta Give')

As an 'older' single woman.... I will tell you this feels very true. My husband died almost 12 years ago. I have had some relationships, most recently over a year ago with the 'perfectly imperfect man' who broke my Heart and was the catalyst for my Triple Spiral Shadow Dance. Yet nothing that has sustained into the depth of connection and experience of love that I shared with my husband Joe.

I was dating a lot last summer and fall. I met many very nice men and shared some enjoyable time with them. None that have become more than friendship and someone to share common interests with. I know what I am seeking... I have yet to find him.

Will I ever? I do not know. I am not 'waiting', I do not 'need' a partner. My life is delightful and engaging. That said, I still yearn for connection. For touch, breath in the night, loving sensuality. For a steady witness, to my life... And especially as I opened this with, to be able to give the abundant love I have, from my Heart to the Heart of another. To be with someone who understands and cherishes being loved... And flows it in return.

In some respects I think as strong, secure, self-assured women... We are not suppose to say the above. I am suppose to say, I am perfectly fine without a partner. I actually can say this... And more than one thing can be true at the same time. I still ache a bit when on my walk this morning, I saw couples walking with the sunrise, holding hands.

Sometimes that ache, which contains the grief of loss, can still over flow...

A dear friend and I were walking on this beach on the north shore of Kauai. She is also a widow and I was sharing stories of meeting my husband here on Kauai. We saw a couple off in the distance and she took this photo. When we got close to them she offered to email them the photo. Trust me, when you lose your Beloved to death, you want to run around and 'warn' couples... I want to say; 'Don't you know one of you is going to die and leave the other!'

Well this day, on this beach... I kind of went there. I told them we both were widows and looked into their eyes and said... 'Cherish each other. Embrace every moment.' Then I had a good cry...

Last year on Valentines Day I was devastated. The 'perfectly imperfect man' had just left me a few days before. I wanted to get away so I went to Harbin Hot Springs to soak my aching Heart. It was lovely place to do so. I spent many hours over several days sitting on this bench writing.

Of course, Harbin was full of couples... I would be soaking in the pools surrounded by people in love. At first it was almost unbearable. Then I found a way to keep my Heart flowing... I watched couples together, sharing touch and eyes melting into each other while the healing water surrounded us all... I silently sent them a Blessing: 'I hope one of you dies a very old person in the arms of the other... And to the one left... I hope you find Peace.'

It may sound odd, but it felt like a profound wish... To stay together for a lifetime... To love each other enough to do so.

Last September the fires of Northern California swept through the hundreds of acres that was Harbin Hot Springs Retreat Center. It was all destroyed, this bench and tree are now ashes. Fortunately, everyone got away safely... And what remains is the love and the memories of this healing sacred place. Love remains.

So what is my intent or message with this post? I don't really know... Perhaps a bit of Valentines Day cynicism, a bit of release, a few tears and it all blended together with a simple intent. Look at this photo!!! This is the turn around point of my daily walk(s) on Kauai. I was alone, laying on my back with my head on 'my' rock... Stretching. Would it have been better to share this magic with someone? Maybe, although I am sharing it with you right now. Did it make the moment less than? Absolutely not. Life is precious... Love and loss go hand in hand. Yearning for connection will ebb and flow. I will continue to lean into that yearning. I will continue my Journey of exploring and integrating the contradictions inherent in being open to it all.

And what is my 'simple intent'?!

I will always risk for love...
Someday,
I will probably once again
be a fool for love...

Why?

Look at this Rainbow...
Flowing into the sea...
Fleeting...
Just like the bench at Harbin...
Perhaps just like the love of two young people on a beach.
Reach for it... All Ways...

Camino Prep: Shifting My Morning Flow

Wed, 10 Feb 2016 21:42:22 GMT

After my first walk...
Writing and coffee in
my jungle bedroom.

Shifting morning flow to prepare for The Camino. (Warning, a discussion of bodily functions may be TMI for some ;)

My morning routine has been fairly consistent for a long time. Even before my friend and brilliant author/teacher davidji coined the acronym ‘RPM’, I have done so. What is RPM? Rise, pee, meditate. In other words get up, attend what needs attention and sit for meditation before beginning to engage in the day. (I have practiced mantra meditation for over 20 years, it is the Heart of my Spiritual practice).

My actual morning flow looks like this: RPMCP...

After meditation I drink my one and only coffee of the day. For me coffee is a quick acting laxative so I will leave it to you to figure out what the second ‘P’ is.

Until the last month here on Kauai when I do morning walks, I have my coffee first. With my Kapah body I do not eat first thing in the morning. (Kapah is one of the 3 Ayurvedic doshas. Kapaha is earth and water, a physiology that is solid, strong, goes a long way on a little). A Kapha body slows down with food so it is always a good thing to exercise before eating.

For the last month, I have shifted my ‘C’ (coffee) time. My first walk of the day is with sunrise so I go quickly from bed to walking. If I were to drink coffee then, the ‘second P’ would show up a couple miles down the path, or in other words, a couple miles away from a bathroom. To avoid that potential issue, I have been returning home after my morning walk and have my coffee then.

About my morning meditation for the last month. I have shifted it a bit also… I still RP, but I then get back in bed and practice my meditation in bed. In general this is not a optimal way to meditate because the tendency is to go back to sleep. Yet it is 'working' as I have been so ‘awake’ early in the morning and the rooster outside of my window, who doesn't even come close to waiting until sunrise, is a bit like a Temple bell. Reminding me to gently choose my mantra over sleep!

The other wonderful discovery I am making is that no coffee before my morning walk has another benefit. Being present with sunrise and no caffeine, I am experiencing that during the walk, my mind remains quiet, insightful and meditative. Lovely! My morning meditation extends into walking.

And about preparing for walking The Camino… I am going to keep this flow after I return to Portland. It feels like the perfect morning intention for walking The Way. Sleeping in albergues, (pilgrim hostels) means bunk beds and a room full of people. Settling into the practice of meditation in bed will be necessary. I love the sunrise time. The flow of early rising, walking for a few hours, then coffee and breakfast/brunch while resting (and waiting for the second P), to then continuing my walking day... This feels like ‘my’ stride.

‘My Stride’ is one of the things I am seeking in walking The Way… That I am already finding it, shows that walking The Camino, The Way, begins the moment you say ‘Yes’.

I read many Camino forums and am part of a couple Camino Facebook groups. I have read and taken part in every imaginable conversation about preparing to walk. Yet, I don't remember ever seeing one about the ‘second P’. I am grateful that my consideration of it helped me find a flow to the first half of my day that feels perfect for me. See… You never know where insight will come from!!!

With full knowledge that The Way will at times, ‘invite’ me into a different plan… This Peregrina (Woman Pilgrim) will be walking the first half of my day like this: RPMWCP :) Then... What yummy thing will I eat for brunch!?!

Seventeen Miles...

Wed, 10 Feb 2016 07:06:50 GMT

Pre-Sunrise, the east shore of Kauai. Venus

I keep waiting to post about my upcoming Journey of walking The Camino de Frances. What am I waiting for? Some remarkable post full of insight. Profound wisdom as I prepare mentally, physically and Spiritually. I hope in the next 6 weeks before I leave or the 7 weeks I walk or the months after... I manage to do so. But I am finding myself in almost an opposite of writers block... I have almost too much I am writing and thinking about and discovering. I am having a hard time figuring out where to 'begin' sharing on this blog.

I decided it was time to stop hesitating and begin... Today... Nothing profound... What is in front of me right now... Simply a story of one foot in front of another...

I walked 17 miles today. I did so in 3 walks. One that began pre-sunrise. One I walked in the heat of the day and one I walked at sunset. I am currently at my second home on Kauai. (Yes, I have a sweet life!)

I am preparing for The Camino pretty much like I do everything... Reading, seeking the wisdom of those who have gone before me... Then making it up as I go along! So how have I been preparing physically?

Pretty simple... I walk.

I have been a regular walker for a long time. Walking as a 'practice' is central to my physical and emotional health. That knowing is part of the reason I decided to walk the 550 miles from St Jean Pied de Port, France to Finisterre, Spain. There are many other 'why's'... More about them in later posts.

My physical 'training' is about deeply listening to my body. I have been slowly increasing my miles walked over the last couple months. Unfortunately, I got quite sick the week before I came to Kauai so spent my first couple weeks (of 5) getting better which slowed me down to one 5-6 mile sunrise walk a day. Then for a couple weeks I averaged 5-11 miles a day (in 2 walks) and today and for the next 7 days, I will walk 3 times a day.

I am not yet carrying my pack, that will begin the 5 weeks I am back in Portland. I am focusing on conditioning. I walk fast most of my miles. I am carefully paying attention to what hurts or doesn't, how I carry myself, when and what stretching I need to do. It is an interesting process. Knowing my body in a different way.

I walk along the ocean on a path I have walked for years. I could be doing lots of different walks yet there is something in the familiarity of this walk that allows me to tune inward to my movement. I am gaining much information. Besides... It is a stunningly beautiful walk and I never tire of it. I have been walking at sunrise every morning and each is different. Every walk, I see whales. I have my stops, to stretch and be. I love the routine.

Embracing the magic of pre-dawn... Don't go back to sleep...

“The breezes at dawn have secrets to tell you
Don't go back to sleep!
You must ask for what you really want.
Don't go back to sleep!
People are going back and forth
across the doorsill where the two worlds touch,
The door is round and open
Don't go back to sleep!”
~ Rumi

Ok... Lets Get This Party Started...

Wed, 10 Feb 2016 05:52:14 GMT

Ok... Time to get this party started!!! With the help of my hOMe boy Ganesha... Remove those obstacles (which frankly...
Posted by Leonie Wolff on Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Where is Greywolff Dancing Next?

Sun, 27 Dec 2015 07:52:45 GMT

Walking the Bridges of Portland

Where is Greywolff Dancing next...

I quit blogging last early summer as my personal Shadow Dance felt integrated or I should say… It had reached a complete loop of a Spiral. My Shadow Dance will last a lifetime. I also became very busy....

Late last spring I began a 5 month study in the Integrative Nurse, Life Coaching Program. It blends the Art & Science of Integrative (Holistic) Nursing with the modality of Life Coaching. As part of the course work, I did 60 hours of ‘practice’ life coaching. It was quite interesting to be so fresh from my own personal exploration of Shadows, wounds, patterns, catalyst’s and connection.

I am observing a powerful common thread of experience and patterns. In the last six months over and over I find the ‘language’ of my personal experience translates into many different life situations for many different people. What I will create out of all of this remains to be seen… Even by me. Although I know it will most likely be creating an entirely new retreat(s) and 'package' it with individual sessions with participants, before and after the retreat.

After churning through the Shadows of a lifetime, or in other words, the Shadows of my past. I am dedicating the next six months to be-with-me. Today. Now. Fully present with simply my/Self.

I am asking the questions:
Who-Am-I… Today?
What do I have the desire to create?
What will the next expression of my dharma (purpose/service) be?
Is this (looking around me) my life now?

How am I going to answer those questions? By creating a great deal of space in my life. First by saying ‘not now’ to any projects, collaborations or new creations. Then… Greywolff Dancing is going walking…

Soon I leave for 5 weeks at my second hOMe of Kauai. I will walk and swim in the ocean and write and increase my daily meditation and share time with Beloved friends and nurture my Spirit. Then I return to Portland for 5 weeks to tend my hOMe and do some late winter gardening.

Then I leave for 2 months and a 550 mile walk on The Camino de Frances.

7 weeks to do nothing but walk. My intent? To find/remember/create/surrender to: The inherent rhythm of my own precious HeartBeat. I begin April first at St Jean Pied-de-Port, France and intend to complete on the full moon in May at the ocean at Finisterre, Spain. The Way calls…

I am not disappearing for the next 6 months. While this is a solo Journey, part of my dharma is to share my experience. I intend to wake up this blog and write, write, write. There is so much seeking expression through me… I simply need to find my voice… My own unique stride. Heart-Open-Wide!!!

You are lovingly invited along…

Dancing at The Zydeco Swamp Romp. The Waterfront Blues Festival. 2015

My Dance with the Triple Spiral. Part 1

Mon, 21 Dec 2015 00:02:07 GMT

Breaking Open
the
Wound of a Lifetime

My story of ‘Dancing with The Triple Spiral’ is a personal Journey through ‘the interim time’ and facing, understanding then ultimately dancing with (integrating) my Shadows, my deepest wounds, my deepest fears.

And…. It is a story of a living breathing human being… A ‘perfectly imperfect man’ who I fell in love with. Integrating the Shadow Dance came first… Integrating my experience with the man, came later.

We began in a profound way, I know when something is meant to be. I recognize the potent presence of what I call ‘Factor X’. (Almost 30 years ago, while laying on a Kauai beach discussing life, my friend Sandy and I came up with the term) He and I had ‘it’ from that first dance together. What is Factor X? A strong blending bond between two people. It is different than simply finding someone ‘attractive’. I have watched this phenomenon in my own life for a long time.

Factor X has 3 main components:
It is immediate, it is felt strongly on the first meeting.
It is mutual, Factor X is not a one way experience.
And in my experience, it never goes away.

I have had the experience of Factor X with a number of men, most lovers, a couple friends. The most incredibly was with my Beloved late husband Joe. Factor X can be the weave between two people that makes a relationship exceptional. A source of ambrosia or life force that can sustain each individual and also blends to form the core of a relationship that will continue to grow deep and wide. The ultimate nourishing well to drink from and a safe refuge, which is a ‘soft place to fall’.

Along with the 3 components above, Factor X relationship’s are some of my greatest teachers. The impulse of Factor X, is one of passion, creativity and pushing edges. They are never neutral. Also a Factor X relationship can be quite difficult and as I experienced with ‘the perfectly imperfect man’ the ‘fall’ can be far from ‘soft’.

I had fallen in love with a man who I believed had the capacity to love as deeply as I do. A man who was quite articulate in speaking emotional intelligence. He said he understood my wounds and would always be gentle with them. A man who said that he considered with me, the potential of a partner for a lifetime. Yet, I soon came to know it was a facade and as he struggled in his own life, a facade he could no longer maintain.

He came to join me at my second home on Kauai on The Winter Solstice 2014. We were planning to begin to blend our lives. A little over a month later… He literally walked (ran) out of my life in the space of half an hour.

Sharing this story is only my voice. My perspective. It is not right to share the details of his story. My intent is to only do so as it affected me. Only to reflect the presence of a mutual Shadow Dance.

He left Hawaii before I did and when I returned to Portland, we only spent a week together. He was edgy and distant. I soon realized that separate from me, parts of his life were becoming quite difficult. He said he needed time to focus on those difficulties so we went over a week without seeing each other. All of this completely engaged my fear of abandonment and at times, I became reactionary.

He completed some of the details he was struggling with and we made a ‘date’ to talk over our relationship. I knew I had been in the reactionary mode of push/pull and wanted to share from my Heart, where those reactions came from. He came to my house in the evening and we decided to wait till morning to talk… We would let the comfort and closeness of our bodies smooth the way all night.

In the morning the first words of us both were how much we loved each other and wanted the relationship. Laying in each others arms, we talked for several hours. This included me sharing my deepest fears and while I had done so before, this time as I lay on his chest, tears flowing, I described the actual experience of ‘being left behind’. As I shared the agony, still present in my soul, of literally watching the slow week by week, day by day, moment by moment, breath by breath… Horror of my Beloved getting ever closer to last breath. And how that wound, elicited my reactionary tendency of ‘push away/pull back’…. The reactionary expression of ‘Love Traumatic Stress’.

He shared his fears and vulnerabilities, the places he was struggling with in his life. I thought in that conversation, we had allowed each other the safe shelter of each others arms, the steady witness. I thought we offered each other the trust of Hearts opening. All necessary steps in deepening a relationship. I was in love and optimistic.

Then he got up and went to the bathroom… And came back crying so hard he couldn't really speak. I was alarmed and asked what was wrong. Then I looked into his eyes… And suddenly I knew what was happening.

He walked out my door and out of my life, 20 minutes later. Sudden and complete abandonment.

I will only say this… What I saw, heard and felt in that 20 minutes, was some of the most profound despair I have ever experienced in another human being. He never said that he didn't want to be with me, he only said that he could not be with me. That the despair was flowing out of someone I dearly loved… Allowed me a calm as it was happening, I am still surprised at.

My despair, my pain came later… When the silence of ‘being left’ settled into my Heart. When I faced one of my deepest fears: That if I am ever ‘less than perfect’… If I ‘need’ rather than give… If I ever show my soft vulnerable belly… I Will Be Abandoned. My deepest fear ‘came true’.

What followed for me was a conscious choice: My first impulse was to close my Heart and never get close enough to a man to allow myself to be hurt so deeply again. I quickly knew, that would not be my choice.

I reflected on my tendency of reaction with push/pull when my Heart feels like it is not being seen. I slowly came to a knowing… That since Joe’s death, I have been attempting to love and be loved from a place of fear. I no longer wanted to be in that place of hesitation. I was ready to dive deep…

I made the conscious choice to reach into my broken Heart and crack it wide open. To seek the roots of my fear and hesitation. To invite my Shadows to look me in the face.

Quickly I knew ‘the man’, was only a catalyst. The amount of pain and despair I was experiencing was not reflective of a six month relationship. To begin with, I thought the main source of my ‘Love Trauma’, my wounds around giving and receiving love came from the death of my Beloved. And while that trauma was a powerful contributor, as I wandered in ‘The Interim Time’, I later realized something I had never quite touched on before:

That steady, less dramatic, yet lifelong wounds… Create a less obvious although deeper wound. A wound I have tended to slip into when I have the intent and desire to open my Heart. This part of the story I have already written about, although in the Spiral Dance of a lifetime, I continue to refine, heal and integrate.

Now back to the intent of this post. Integrating not only the experience of my personal Shadow Dance… But also integrating my experience with the walking breathing man. The man who I believed was the second great love of my lifetime. I did so by recognizing that the presence of ‘Factor X’, invited a mutual Shadow Dance.

Next: Shadows, Patterns and Understanding...

LEONIE WOLFF - Blog: GreyWolff Walking

Finisterre on the Full Moon in May

I am Not at Finisterre!

Stop moving. Stop running. Go. Home. Your Ghost Bridges are not in Spain.

Heart… Open Wide.

Stop...

GreyWolff Walking... Small Steps...

​My Meditation Chair...​The Wisdom of Silence

​The Girls... Ever Present

My Daily Walk... Four blocks to the store. Slowly.Grateful that, The Way of My Neighborhood, is this!

Yoga around​the pain of my knee... ​Invites deep listening

My Readingand Writing Chaise.Right outsideof the window...A reminder...Stop...